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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I am a sad fuck today... I hate the world and the world seem to reciprocate these feelings.. Whatever fuck the reason is.. I want to sleep through it... Once again I feel like I suck at everything and cos of that I am losing everything.. Life is just full of vicious cycles... I want this one to stop... :'(

I am so sick and tired of everything... I am sad, upset, angry and negative about everything... And now, I am wordless.. My heart is weak.. My mind is weak.. I am weak... And now I don't have any words to describe this pain.. :(
Monday, September 10, 2012

So, how long has it been since I last blogged?
Fucking agesssss... =D

I am now at Marketing Institute of Singapore (MIS).
Waiting for my orientation class to start.
Damn boring here cos I know nobody and class starts at 6.30pm.
I have been here since 4.45pm.

Good thing they have coffee machines (FREE DRINKS!) ... YEAH...

School is gonna start official first class on 21/9/2012.
Gonna be so super busy with work and school...
Will be so super tired and shag for the next year...
But its a new adventure and a new path I have to take...
I have sacrificed many things to be where I am now...
I will do my best to make the most out of it...

I hope I won't laze out after I get used to school..
For now I'm still uber excited and looking forward to schooling.

Work is a whore at times. But feels like I'm moving closer to where I wanna be 5 years from now.
Slowly but I believe I am improving and gaining.
So it's goooooood~~    :)

Love wise? It's alright.. Nothing too fancy.. Nothing too fucked up...
Actually a few things that are fucked up but no point putting it up here..
Sometimes I really wonder how you know it's love or just habitual..
Or just the fear of losing something that is already yours...
Like just being selfish and stubborn and not wanting to let go just cos...
you know? I really wonder.. But I like being with him.. He IS good to me..
Just that we are so different and we wants and need different things...
This causes so much friction and its difficult that either one always have to give in and give up and give out...
I just wish sometimes, love is easier than it looks.. Not tougher... =/

I've been through a whole new load of shit this past 3/4 year...
I have really been shown how stupid and fucked up I can be...
I have also proven to myself that I am the only person who can unscrew the screw ups i make..
Emotionally I'm a wreck.. I am worse than a wreck.. It's like a nuclear wipe out..
But functionally I'm still working and ok... Cos I cannot break...

IF I break now, there is no point in putting so much effort to unscrew my screw ups...
So yeah.. Biting the bulletsssss... Even those i shoot at myself... =/
If that makes any sense...

Well... :) Good week to all! May all your wishes and dreams come true in all the fanciest way possible.
Buhbyeee...
Monday, March 26, 2012

3 months since I last posted...

Big news first... Mandy's got a boyfriend now...
His name is Jason and he is Awesome...
Nth much to write about cos... Yeah... Blogging is boring now....

So fucking busy with life lately.
Planning for the future and all...
Not an easy past few months...
Growing up isnt fun at all...
Adulthood and responsibilities are bitches...

But still gotta go on and make the best out of whatever life Im given...
Cos that's just how it works...

So yeah.. My birthday just passed...
It was good... Not the greatest...
But I had my family and I had Jason with me...
And although the drinking session wasnt as awesome as it was when we were younger...
Alcohol makes me happy... So it was alright...

I realised... I have changed...
I dunno how to put it into words...
But things that mattered in the past no longer matter now..
And things that never used to matter, matters now...

And sometimes I wonder if i was happier last time...

And, if im still afraid of happiness... ?

Abit emo today... Stupid Monday.
And I need to OT til very late today...

So Im grumpy...
And Jason isn't picking up the phone cos he's a pig just like me...

K bye..
Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sometimes I wonder what I mean to people around me?
Am I important? Do my words and actions have an impact at all in your life?
Or am I just a passing cloud?
Even for those who I am close with and believe for sure they do truly love and care for me...
I still wonder if I mean anything... Do they just enjoy spending time with me?
If I'd leave suddenly would they miss me?
Would they cry for days and days hoping I'll come back?
I mean, I feel important when I'm with them...
But when I'm not, I feel like I'm easily forgotten...
Am I? Easily forgotten?

I think my self-esteem has gotten so low I put no worth to myself..
I don't see how important I can be to anyone...

Aryani, Who am I to you?
Fateha, Who am I to you?
Harris, Who am I to you?
Iskandar, Who am I to you?
Danny, Who am I to you?
TK, Who am I to you?
Logen, Who am I to you?
Ais, Who am I to you?
Vanessa, Who am I to you?

G, Who am I to you?
Y, Who am I to you?
J, Who am I to you?
B, Who am I to you?
E, Who am I to you?
S, Who am I to you?
A, Who am I to you?

So easy to categorize.. Im either a friend.. A good friend.. Close friend.. Best friend.. Girl friend... or wtv..
But who am I in your heart? What place do I hold? Would I ever be replaced? Would you care if i told you every day I'm not ok... And believe that I'm not ok? OR would you be cynical? And tell me you understand but actually inside you're thinking " Bleah.. She'll pull thru.. She's just beinga  drama queen..."

Why is it so impt? because we all live for something/someone...
and i dun see myself living for anything.. Except what I mean to others...
The day I mean nothing to everybody.. The day I have lietrally nothing to live for...
We all need someone... I just need everyone who I love to need me too...
Is it crazy? This need to be needed?

Sigh... Grow Up Mandy... =(
Friday, December 09, 2011

Everything's going haywire...

Or at least it feels like it is..

My world revolves around thai disco and alcohol nowadays..
Spending money like it's easy to earn..

Everything's wrong, no matter how right people keep telling me it is...
It feels wrong.. Something is missing...
Feels like once again, there's nothing to live for...

I dun wanna whine.. I dun wanna rant...
Cos it's pointless... I either give up, or I bite the bullet and move on...
There's no 3rd option...

I hate myself... Ever feel like the biggest enemy to yourself is yourself?
Im my baddest ass judge for myself..
Everything i do is wrong to myself..
And I cant help it... Neither can anyone else...

And recently, it feels like no one really cares enough to help me out of this dump im in.
Either I'm not shouting for help loud enough, or they just pretend not to hear me.
Cos im a mess... And why would anyone wanna be in this mess with me?

I need help... I need the kinda help that helps you out of dumps like this...
I have no hope, no faith and no nothing in anything...
If there's a god... You would do everyone a favour...
And just take me away from the surface of this earth...
Where ever else... Doesnt matter...
I wanna fall asleep tonight and never wake up...

Screwing every fucking little thing up...
Nothing i do is ever good enough for myself...
Fuck laa...
Tuesday, November 29, 2011

So, the quit binge drinking thing?
Didn't work out very well..
It was starting to work.
Then i had a argument with my mum and my brother again...
Then i went back to binge drinking...

Binge drinking isn't so bad..
Its the situations i put myself into after/during the drinking that sucks.
I learnt so much about myself through this...
And it didn't help me love myself better..
I just realize more reasons why I really don't like myself... :(

If i go into details...
I can only imagine the names your mind would start to register me as...
So i shall not...
But for those who give a shit...
Please know I'm trying.. I'm trying hard as hell not to run...
Trying to be the grown up i'm supposed to be...

But the first sign of trouble and stupidity... I run...
My mind registers abandonment and running away as the first option to everything...
I keep trying and i keep failing...
I'm only 21 and i feel like i don't have much faith or hope left to live the rest of my life.
You guys have no idea how scared i am sometimes...
How alone i feel, how afraid i am of the next stupid thing ill do...
Just for 1 moment of pure happiness...
Doesn't matter if regret comes later.
Doesn't matter if i know people are just using me...
Doesn't matter if i know its a mistake...

Just one moment of happiness..
And ill willingly put myself in the situation.
Then comes the after effect...

I'm just so fucking depressed...

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Taiwan was alright... Nothing special..
Given a choice I wouldnt go there again, unless it's all fully paid for again...

Pictures will be posted on facebook.. No point posting pictures up here any more cos it take a long time...
And nobody really reads this space anymore...

Past weekend was spent with Vanessa hanging out and partying...
Lots of drinking, lots of money spending, lots of emotions all over the place...

I realised I'm still so young... I get to do stupid things and feel stupid about teh stupid things I do.
And I realised sometiems I try to hard to act mature and adult when all I want is to be a kid and act all childihs and lame... Not childish like jokingly... Like really childish...

But life's like that nowadays.. Grow up or get eaten... :( Sucks...

Met the boys for play time at NEBO AMK HUB. Was fun... After which something happened and ended the night early... So guess where I went? I wen to drink with Vanessa again...

Where do we go? V4... V4 has managed to hooked us on for the past weekend. And it's proving difficult to stay away... Easier for me cos I'm kind of sick of it already...

I dunno what I want in life.. I don't know what I'm doing...

But right now, my goal is to quit smoking...
Second goal was motivated by Wilson & Bryan to lose 1KG every week.
IF it happens, by End of Feb I'll be of acceptable weight...
1KG doesnt sound very difficult..
Wilson says all I have to do is 50 push ups, 50 sit ups & 50 jumping jacks everyday...

Sounds easy? FUCK you...
I'll never succeed... I always do thinsg halfway...
I always do it when I feel like and don't do it when I don't feel like...
I'm that kind of loser...

Sigh... Work sucks... I wanna get out of this shithole I feel like I'm in.. :(