WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I keep picking on pple this days. I freaking told you these sleepless nights would get to me. Dammit. Now its not only pissing me off its pissing everyone ard me off. Fucking hell i swear im this close to screwing myself up. Im fucking pissed lah cb!!!

I cant sleep. It's been 5 nights. I have PMS. Spliting headaches. Eye twitching. Gotto look after a brother who bugs the hell outta me sometimes. Flu every morning. skin which has mysterious spots appearing out of nothing. I wish i could end it all here and now. Fucking hell what the hell is happening sial!!! KNNCCBMMTPKMF!!!

Damn sleepess nights. Damn stress. Damn things i cant do. I wish everything wasnt like this.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! **** the world.

WTF!!! Someone who once told me blogging was lame now has a blog. What a stupid move to tell me blogging is lame... WTF!!! I am kinda weirdly pissed cos that person used to criticise bloggers and now that person is one?? Ok.. Weird way of hating bloggers huh? Oh btw did i mention Farhan has a blog now? Wakakakaka... I didnt name names okay!!!! I said "someone".. ;)

Anyways forget it. I bet he'll blog often anyways. He just wanna try his hands on new shit. He always does that. Anything new and he MUST get his hands on it. Oh wells. Wtv he blog about maybe it'll be good for us.. Who knows. Ill just leave it for now. Hopefully he blogs about all his dark dirty secrets thinking only he himself can read it. Then maybe everyone will know and he'll be embarrassed then i can laugh.. WAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okok.. Im just kidding. Obviously he's not that stupid and im not that mean. Haha... I wun laugh at him... Not so obviously iat least.. =)

So yeah. The day of my previous post was pure nuts. It was bad. REAL bad... Shit happened. I swear i cried alot. And i used almost a whole box of tissue. And sinice then i only had, at most, 7 hours of sleep. I cant sleep at night these days. I wonder if its insomnia. When i sleep, i get woken up easily and i cant sleep back. And i lost ALOT of appetite. I dun feel like eating meals now. I just wanna snack sometimes on my favourite potato chip. Actually i refused to put any solid fodd into my mputh the first few days. But my friends and family forced me to eat. So i had to. Haha... Plus i was dead hungry by then. Yet my mouth wanted to reject those food. Damn i wonder whats wrong. Am i like heavily traumatised by the event or something?

Oh wells. Lets just see if it'll get better. I really need to get some sleep though.. I feel my body breaking down.Anytime soon ill fall sick. And i cant bcops i need to look after Bryan. Yeah. Wateff. We'll just see...

You know? I just realised that different people has really different thinking about things at times. And some of hose people get ended up together. And i wonder how the world goes around like this. I my self is very very different from my partner. We're both VERY different people. VERY!!! But don't give me the crap that opposites attract. We arent god damn magnets. We're not named south pole and north pole. So wth?!?! I really wonder why things can still stay on for so long. LOVE? wow i wonder. Love is indescribable. there's not one person i know that can describe love for me in a satisfactory way that i would go " Oh.. Really? Wow. Damn if only i knew..."

Watever. Im not into those shits nowadays anyways. I just really need some fun. AND I WANT TO GO TO NIGHT SAFARI NOW!!! Unfortunately the night my parents went i couldnt go bcos i had things to settle. AND GOD DAMMIT IT COSTS $28 per adult!! I wish i died after i go there bcos then i wun feel the pain for paying so much just to go see animals when i could have just turn to national geographic or whatnots to watch them hunt and mate. I just really wanna go there. And i wish someone would bring me there. And i wish i didnt wish so much. Wasting my breath. Wishes don't come true. The more i wish the more bad things happen. I probably won't get to go there now bcos i wished. Haha. I probably would get knocked down at the entrance of night safari bcos i wished. I wish i didnt wish. Dang....

I hate it when i get my period. Having period sucks. And men doesnt know it. The one thing men care about when your period comes is "PLS STOP PMSING!!!" Ok. Dudes. Its not like we can help ourselves. It's our god damn hormones playing us dumbo. And stop complaing when we have weird emotions just bcos we say we're pmsing. AND YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO KNOW WHEN OUR PERIOD IS COMING TOO!!! So that you know when our pms might start and stop. And so that you can have an extrra pad ready in your bag for us. Wahahaha.. cos for me i always forget to bring a pad and when it hits me outside. I just go SHIT!!!!! So i need a boyf who does this things for me. Im not that kinda girl who does this kinda things. I dun bring tissue. I think its uneccessary. i don't bring water bottles. I most defintely don't bring pads. So i need some one sooooooooo sweet to bring my pads around. Hahahahaha!!!

HEY! What!??!!? I so happen to know that my older brother used to do that for his girlf. He would bring eevn menses pills and panadols and like a first aider he would have everything ready in his bag for her. It's no wonder his bag is always so humongous and i always wondered what he has hiding in there. I thought it was another girl but oh wells. Who knew i had such a sweet brother. YEah. Ok. Im complimenting Wilson. So what? We seldom do that anyways. Anyways. I rmb once when her menses came overnight and it over flowed really badly. She was terribly embarrassed and so was my brother. But he put that aside and comforted her by smiling and saying its ok. And he helped to clean the stain away and pass her pad over the toilet door(cos she ran to the toilet almost immediately after she found out)... Hahahaha.. I think thats really sweet. Thats prolly why they can last so long. Their sweetness never runs out.

5 years god!! Thats a loooong loooong time to love somebody. I never used to be able to have feelings for someone for more than 8monoths. Scary to think it can happen. Must have been many ups and downs to reach this far. I hereby salute them for holding on and not letting go. I mean i been thru a lil bit of their first few years of bickering and fighting and shouting. IHeck i even almost got a chair thrown at me for sticking my head out of the door to check out the commotion. and i had to run at least ten times to and fro from my house to the staircase on top just to comfort her and to convince him. Wth. Seeing them go so far. i already treat Clarissa as my sister in law. Heck . A sister even. I never had one. Yeah. We might not talk and communicate as often now but i still do treat her as a sister and love her. Of cos i love my brother too.

Aitess then. I gtg now to fetch that fat burger. Toodles!!

A poem i happen to read..

PROMISES MADE by christopher (from i dunno where)

Yesterday's goals, dim memories.
Dark saddened eyes, blurring with tears.
Painful scars borne; Love's history.
Futures crumble when doubt appears.
No brightly lit hope envisioned,
When following after harsh words.
Hurt soul splits in twain, partitioned.
Swooned by appeal - when numbness lured.
Apologies made, never bought.
Price paid turned out far too costly.
Though never known what would be wrought -
Must walk into the night softly.
One wish, only to be released.
Granted - now receive this token.
Words written in rhyme, love's deceased.
When promises made . . . were broken.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well it sums up how i feel most of the time these days.... These words may hurt to someone i really care for. But these words feel true to my heart. Maybe these time i find it so hard to get over. That the price to pay is yeah, too costly.... It is true that "future crumblez when doubt appears" ... It feels like me.... Sigh.... It feels wrong. Stubborness from the other side refuses to admit. That if this goes on. More hurt will come. And more pain will be involved. Who am i to say. Im the one letting it drag on. I cant help it. Im sorry. I have feelings too.

Tonight is another night when i sit at home. And things just comes up to me and slaps me in the face. "Wake up Mandy. Is this how your life is suppose to be?" And being weak tonight. I feel some tears welling. Is it right to know what wrong is happening. And yet have no idea how to fix it.... ? Is it wrong to be so conscious of the surroundings. But do nothing when it goes wrong? What am i doing? These days i've been a bitch to myself and to others. To my sillyboy.

Appreciation? I used to have that. Emotions? They come and go. And sometimes its so hard finding them back. It gets so tiring. Is this detachment from my emotions suppose to be good or bad? Yes i don't feel now. But if i dun feel at any point of time. What different am i from the dead? Gosh. My ego grows. It's bigger than an elephants balls now. I swear i wish the balls shrink.

This is another time where i wish to push everyone away. bcos i feel worthless. Like im not worth it. I wish to lock myself up and tell them to go away and never come back. But im afraid when i open the door moments later i would be alone. What is this? I created myself a monster. A scary one where im afraid too and i dunno how to handle. I wish i wasnt like this. I wish i was better. Why does the past haunt me these days? I was a person never about the past. Now the past controls me. I hate the past. Kill it for me will you?

Sigh. I hate calling fo help. It weakens me more. Goodbye people. I wish your night was better than mine.

This past couple of weeks have been going at helluva fast rate and i swear its as if i've been thru hell and come back again.Y'know the pain is still there. And im sure it still is for many. I gave up on alot of things recently. Some came back. Some didnt. It's painful to know that i let it go just like that. Make me feel like i didnt cherish it at all. But i was pushed to my limits. and its been a long time i felt this high on the brim of breaking down big time. But i have people around me who push me not to. So i try even harder. Let's just see how far their pushes gets me. I feel the fatigue of running this race... Its getting to me..... But im trying. trust me i really am.....

When something happened recently and he really proved his point tat he truly loves me. Im bewildered at the love im recieving bcos i dun get it. I pushed as far as i could. He came back. I ran as fast as i could. He caught up. I did all the things i would never wish to experience to him and he endured. What is it? Love? I have never felt this kind of love before. It boggles me. Is it suppose to be this way? Is he holding on too tight that one day if he lets go i will really be devastated? And the pain would linger more than it should? Once again the fear of being hurt is here. Like Adek says... One day Karma is gonna get to me. And its only now that i really feel love that im afraid. Is this Karma? I did this too many guys in the past. Will i get it back? And will it be thru him? I never believed in curses. But Karma. Karma scares the hell out of me. bcos i know if i can do it to others. I can get it back from them too. Humans have the ability to turn tables around and im afraid of that. Im really liking the seat i have on this table. I dun want it to ever turn. You get me?

But oh wells. sometimes things get in the way and i get so freaked out i just give up before i try to conquer it bcos im afraid. Im afraid if i try and i still lose ill cry. I dun really like crying if you noe me well enough. Sometimes tears is the only way to express my fear. think of me as weak. I just dunno how to express my feelings. Im not like some others. I used to be able to but there's something different after Shukur. He changed me. I hate to admit it but he did. I grew out of my naive thinkings and i grew out of emotions too. My boyf is trying hard to get back what i lost. and im glad he is. Bcos i hate emotions. They are the ones tat bring me down to my worse. but they are also the ones that bring me way up high. Emotions are tough nuts to crack.

Well anyways valentines and new year is coming. I still have one final set of clothe to buy for CNY. And valentines. Well i dun really celebrate it much. Just being with my loved ones do me alot of good. He told me that 14th of Feb its actually the day christians had a riot with muslims and they won. So muslims shouldnt be celebrating it. And he asked if i knew how valentine day came about. Seriously. I HAVE NO GOD DAMN IDEA! Lol... I just noe pple love to get roses on that day and they want chocolatea and hugs and kisses. I just want my family HIM and my friends. thats all... I dun asks for acookie in a heart shape i dun wish for expensive chocs. I only wish to be happy on that day. Playing cards at home with all of them would make me happy enough. Having pizza sitting on the floor and playing monoploly with them would make my day.... I dun really care for much.. Just that warmth of the loved ones being here with me and knowing they wun leave me... At least not anytime soon... =)

I wish i get lotsa money for CNY. haha. every year i wish for the same thing for CNY. Maybe this year i wish pple would throw money at me. Hahahahah.... I wish i wouldnt grow fat munching on the new year goodies.... Wooohoooo!! Money money come my way.. Money from my mother go away. So how? happy or sad?? Aluh.... Confusing... Heheh....

Sigh i realy wish i was a millionaire. then i wouldnt feel so much about money. Haha. But i wonder if ill become a wastrel. Haha... =) Dunno lah. Im bored of blogging. Toodles!!

Whoa... time flies like a mosquito that bugs me in my room. Seriously. Bugger-fide... Tomorrow's results day. god help the people... How am i going to survive tomorrow? Meeting Adek at 1.30pm then going thr together. At least someone to share comfort in with all the tension around. Too bad the boyf cant be there. i swear it would calm me down. Cos then i wun be thinking about the results thing. Even if i am i wouldnt be so nervous cos he'll prolly find something else for me to worry about. Wakakakakaka.... Skiddin...

So lets see. Worse to worse if i fail. ITE. Or just retake another year in Beatty. GOSH! I swear i'd rather go ITE. If i dun do so well and cant get into a course that i like in poly. I'll just have to take a lousy course that i dun like. What to do...? Life's like that.. Haha.. But i wonder if i do well, unexpectedly.. I guess ill be ecstatic!! I swear i would go treat myself. Or maybe thank the MOE. Haha... But the boyf doesnt allow any chance of me going into ITE and im quite sure my parents would rather i stay back one more year. Why the boyf doesnt allow is bcos he feels it isnt the right place for a girl like me. Why the parents, its bcos of the exact same reason. But somehow im quite interested in ITE. I have no idea why. Maybe im nuts....

So lets say i get into a poly tat i always wanted (SP)... Im quite accustomed to the holidaying shits now that i think i wouldnt get used to going to school so quickly. well luckily poly has no uniform. I've been laughing at kids wearing uniform these days.. Its just funny cos i used to wear one. And i dun think ill ever wear one again unless i get into ITE. Well tmr's hopefully the last day ill be doning a uniform. I really wish he would be thr for me after the results thingy. Whether good or bad i wanna share it with the boyf. Lets hope there wun be a disappointment after a disappointment. Haha. Why am i so sure ill be disappointed at the results?? Damn.. Lets all hope... Wahahahah...

So lets go into the emotions shits. Everyone of my post usually has a part where i touch on my emotional side recently. So let see... I got a few atiitude moments recently and it lasted for longer than usual. It shocked me bcos i never knew my ego grew so much so that i cannot control it now. Maybe hiding those things led my ego to grow and grow until now i have no idea how big an ego i have. Its scary. It poses as a really big problem bcos what kept me and US going was self-consciousness.. But now i lost touch of myself somewhere along the line. Maybe i was too absorbed in something else... I dunno. I wanna say i need help. But what kinda help??? Bugs the hell outta me i swear.... Im confused. It's been a long time i felt this confused.

Oh wells.. What gotta happen happens. What will happen will even if i dun like it. We'll just take things a step at a time and let things go the way nature wants it to be. who am i to say i want things to be better. Im usually not a talker. Im a do-er. So lets do some shits and less talk. =)

Im really bored. I ate alot recently. When im bored i feel the craving for food. I wonder what is happening. am i on a eating spree again? Please tell me its not due to stress. I swear ill grow fat. Im already fat enough .God save the people... I dun wanna grow fatter... I swear ill bash myself up. I already am!!! PLS!!!! STOP THE EATING!!!! DIET MANDY!!! START ON A ****ING DIET *****!!! Ahhhh... My diet never last for more than one day recently... I need professional help. Im becoming ugly-ly fat... Haha... I wish the boyf wouldnt abandon me bcos im fat. Haha.. come on.. i've lived with being fat almost my whole life. Pls tell me one day ill grow slimmer and then the world would be a better place for me... =((

Haha... Whatever.... I don't really care much for appearnace anyways. Its just the culture these days expect so much from looks that sometimes i do get affected by it. Yeah. You see me now doning lots of make-up. actually its just eye-liner and blusher but still.. I never use to wear make-up everyday. but now i do.... Hai.. whats happening to me and the society these days... Wahahaha.. Ok... Enough of that before i go too far... =)

Damn the boyf is still not home so i have to wait. Bicycle waiting and father coffeshops. I wonder... Sometimes i wonder.... Wakakakakakaka..... Nvm.... I shouldnt think so much. I believe its normal for me to doubt bcos girls do that. They are natural paranoid creatures. I havent seen a girl so far in my 17 years of life that doesnt doubt her boyf once in awhile. even my parents do it sometimes. and im sure every girl out there has paranoia. cmon... GUYS have them too... Well most of them do.. Some are just heartless creatures who know nothing about love.... YET.... =)

So what ami going to do with the spare time?? *thinks about food* Maybe i should go to the nearby SPc to get something to munch on. Chips or what... Hai... How sia... How......

I hate today too.... I feel weird. I've been vomitting today and i had diarrhoea for the past two days... I think it was somthing i ate. Or probably something i cooked... Bryan got diarrhoea too. Today im staying home all day like yesterday. It feels so different. I only realise that now. Bcos i have been going out alot lately. After babysitting in the day i go out at night. Staying home feels different now. I feel, lonely? Haha.... Its just so funny...

Today, for him wasnt a very good day. And it's coming down onto me. Well i wish the day would end now. But its still hours away. The night hasnt even officially started. The moon's not visible yet. Im really waiting. Pls let today finish fast. I feel lousy....

Thats all for today... =)