Okay. everyone is sleeping now. Nobody to even chat with me on msn. This is pathetic. I'm bored and im feeling crappy and i dun have the guts to call anyone to disturb them late at night. Cos it will only make me feel weaker and lamer. Please tell me there's something for me to do. Oh. I should have stayed downstairs longer and feel the lingering loneliness abit longer. Cos now im home and i feel dumb for feeling lonely bcos my parents are in the other room sleeping. Lonely. My life ain't lonely. So why do i feel like this tonight?

"Dear princess whats wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know. I feel lousy tonight. Help me feel better. Will you?" the princess answered.

FUCK YOU BITCH!! GO TO SLEEP!!!

Im just bored. And i have a terrible stuck nose due to previous circumstances. And i have a sore eye. And sore throat. And sore back. And sore heart. I feel like a sore-loser! Ok. What i feel doesnt really matter. What i NEED!!! Is sleep. But i cant. So lets fuck it and continue blogging.

I feel lousy bcos..... Erm... Bcosss..... Erm.... I DUNNO!!! I DUNNO WHY I FEEL LOUSY GOD DAMMIT!! I just do okay? So stupid. So idiotic. So lame. So dumb. So guniang. So weak. So GRRRRRR......

I went out with adek just now. And it feels so good that she's not angry with me. I dunno if she ever was but im just glad she talked to me and was willing to meet me just now. Hearing her jc life feels well, refreshing and scary. She is very preoccupied now. With homework and school taking up alot of time. I hope she'll do okay. =) Well i hope we get to lepak like this more often. Just her and me like old times. I still love her like i loved her. I dunno why. The love i have for her is like she's really my sibling. Well i take it she is. The sibling i never had. The sister i never had. Just like Clarissa. HAhaha... =)

Okk. I feel better now blogging about Adek. My nose still sucks. Killing me that bloody air-sucker. Argh... Anyways, its getting boring blogging about absolutely nothing at all and feeling a tad bit off. Well. guess ill go take a hot bath again. Or should i take a cold one this time? Will i get sick? Ok. Cold then hot. Or hot then cold? I intend to waste water tonight. maybe i should go soak my legs. Can i soak my hands to see the ugly crumpled effect? Ok. Maybe ill splash water down from 6 storeys up. Some unlucky guy who just came abck drunk from clubbing might get wet. And think that he's fucking a girl. OOOH~~~ IDEAS!! I love ideas!!! Ok. Forgive me. I feel like shit. Entertain my nonsense dudes. Fuck it. Gnite.

I feel like shit. tonight its some kind of special shit. Bcos i dunnoe why i feel like shit. I just feel lousy ugly unattractive loser-fied and dumb. Yah. Maybe all of that is true. Screw you if you think im like that. Screw me too cos i think like that. fuck. I feel like crap. Pls. Send someone to save me. Nobody i need seem to be able to. Help~

Wow.. My bday came and went. got cute little presents and loved them all!! HAd the chalet and it was great. So many relatives and frens. So crowded so friendly so nice the atmosphere. Im just sorry i didnt treat those guests good enough. Sorry i showed a glum face. I hope none of them blame me. Especially Adek. She hasnt been replying my msgs. Im scared. Is she angry with me? Adek. If you read this im sorry. I dun mean to lie to you. Im sorry i was running away from my problems and feelings. I love you. Thanks for being so supportive all the time. Pls dun be angry with me. Msg me ok? Please? Im sorry.

Well things are slightly settled down now after a whole big drama shot. Wish it didnt happened that way but it did. So wat the heck. I'll live with it. It's all about starting afresh now. Yeah i was tempted to leave for something else. I guess i stayed. We'll see how it goes. I wish things gets better. Starting afresh won't be easy. Never was never will be. But ill still try. Like always. And i hope those around me wun give up too. Especially someone special. Things will be fine. We'll pull it off. We're not wet cigarettes. We're not second best. =) We'll sit back and hum 12341234!! Hahahaha....

Im cyreently on high now i dunno why. Im really bored. All alone. At night. With nobody to entertain me except sollihin who is making food for himself. And muhd who is bored like me. And nobody else. Lekwei tried pissing me off but i guess it was quite entertaining. I wish i could sleep at moments like this. But i cant. I need my sleeping pill. But i dun have any. =)

Okays. Lets see. I wanna talk. But im bored. Nth much to talk now. BYE!

It's the 20th of march. Finally it seems like im growing older soon. Finally i can tell everyone, IM ONLY 17...!!! Give me a break.... =)

So many shits to think about. So many feelings to feel. So many words to say. But i don't know what i want to do. I wish for happiness. A prolonged one. Not one that lasts for half a day. I want one that actually LASTS! Like "wow i haven't frown for 5 days!!!" kinda thing. =) Well this sucks. Cos my wish almost ALWAYS never happens. Haha... I wished for a night safari trip since 4 months ago. Never happened. I wished for him to control his temper since 4 months ago. Havent happened. I wish something bad would turn better in my family since i dunno when, never happened. Well, evidence clearly shows my wishes almost NEVER come true. Screw birthday wishes.

The word "RESPONSIBILITY" came into use alot this couple of weeks. I know i have some of it i fulfill and some i don't. Responsibility sucks big time. And i wish the man i love would have more of it. Trying. I guess is the main purpose of life. Trying all the time. Again and again and again. screw up and try again. Fall and get up. sometimes i wonder when will trying stop. When will mine stop. Haha... STOP BEING AN EMOFUCK MANDY!!

So recently it has been mostly to and fro from yishun and TP. Eating alot spending alot on food. Exploration of the environment. A few adrenaline rushes. A few scary moments. Few heartfelt moments. And a few sad moments. Well they all made up to one helluva week. Very erm, cherished week. Very, funnily weird week.

a little bit more freedom is what i need baby. Just a little bit more trust in me.

Okay. Maybe that past thingy with them still affects me but wat the heck. Im trying my best not to think about it but time and time again something comes along to remind me that it was a past i wish didnt happen. I wanted it all to myself and i had to share it. I wanted all the good and the bad(s) but it didnt happen. I wanted the great one above to at least show me a sign that i was worth something better but it didnt happen. I had all the right treasons to be f**ked up and cry. But now i see no sense in that anymore. All of the above mentiopned have moved on and so has the one above. So why should i even bother?

Ok. Just wanted to rant a lil'. Im better now. Blogging does wonders.

Anyways, recently i had an eventful week. Many many things happened. Some i would cherish some i rather not. Well but things are getting way better than when it first started out. I see a change. It's still god damn early to tell if its a good change or not but i always believe that changes are something inevitable. So why not embrace it.... ?

Time isnt on my side recently. Have been slcaking and the posting results are really sucking the blood out of me. I guess i HAVE TO go to Republic Poly that is in Woodlands which i dun really like the place due to some reasons. But i guess its not the place. It's the course and my future at hand. So why let that affect me in that way.

Yesterday i realise one thing. Some sort of philosophical logic i made up myself. You wanna know why people make mistakes and they blame themselves for it? Cos they wanna pretend they are somebody they are not. And they wanna do things they know they don't want to do. They wanna believe that they can do does things and break the rules but they know that the guilt and aftermath of it will kill them. So they pretend. They lie to themselves. They convince themselves that they bad enough to take the risk. And then they do it. Only to realise that thats not actually what they want. That they should have known better. Well that's my perspective of things. That usually happens in my case. I should change.

I never really got the hang of crying. although i have been crying since i was born i never really got the hang of it. I still get stuck nose every morning after. And i still wet my pillows everytime and so they end up stinking. And i do wimp when i try to force the sound back. I wonder if there's any right way of crying. Crying to me i seldom do it in front of people anymore. Maybe that's why im getting more stoned by those tears. No one sees them and no one feels them for me. Yeah. Im not saying i dun have loving family and frens but im just more conservative when it comes to showing my tears. I would rather just shut up and think happy tots then wallow myself in self pity that i end up weeping in front of them. So its not their fault. It's mine.

Recently i worked at the exhibition. Cant wait to get the pay. Extra cash here i come!!! =) Talking about money. I wonder how im really gonna help him save. And make him be less greedy and keep asking for more. It's just not right to not be contented with what you have when you already have something good. And i don't like it when he has something good and he still wants something better. If he's the prince of Wales or what and has aplenty $$$ I don't mind him being like that but i really dunno man. And we're getting into alot of financial shit that i really wish would stop. Somebody really needs to practice self-control. Self-discipline. Something he has yet to learn and i wish he would, quick. I cant baby sit any longer. "Baby-sit"... you get it? But well i do love that boy so ill try. And ill hold on i guess.....

Alrights. I feel so bored. and i wish Adek comes quickly. Oh btw i cut my hair short. I look retarded. Dammit. But who cares? Hair grows back. I'll just live with this for now. Weeee~ =)

Okok. Look. I was under alot of pressure lately. Stress over my relationship problems and friedns stuff and many many things. Gosh don't make me name them all in details. Well ok fine. Im just saying, im back to sleeping a little bit more than the past week and im eating again. More than recently but still not usual. Well so stop saying that im not eating. I am. Just that i feel anorexic. I cant eat too much. and too much means 6 sticks of satay with rice. Wakakakaka...

aites aites. So lets see. My poly results were out. And.............. ITS UNSUCCESSFUL!!! So i gotta go appeal and do many shites tat i prefer not to but oh wells. I cant possibly end my studies here right? I still wanna get rich. Wahahhaha. Well we'll see abt the rich part. But i really cant stop my studies here. Aites everyone noes that. Im mandy. I have a brain. I noe i cant rely on guys to work and earn money for me. I have to be independent so if anything happens i got myself to fall on. And i can support my family who brought me up well. Weeeeekeeekeeeekeee....

Ok.I dunno why im in sucha mood today but im definitely liking it. I had a helluva good time last night. I rode bike to Seletar reservoir with Farhan. And gosh was it scary and fun and filled with adrenaline all over the place. We got chased by guard dogs and we got all muddy bcos the place was filled with mud all over and we had to ride fast to get rid of the dog. And it was really scary cos it was really dark. But when we reach the place we wanted to go it was nice. the scenery was great. And it was only the both of us. And we just had a big BIG quarrel. So it was nice. Just hugging each othe rthere and saying sweet stuffs. But it ended quick cos i had to go before the last train leaves. So yeah. the sweetness was short lived. But it is deeply appreciated and cherished.

ORITES. So wats next. I don't know man. Poly is gonna start soon and i really wish i get into one. I dun mind the poly now. Sp its just a dream. if i dun realise it its okay. Just so long i got good future prospects im happy enough. =)

aits then. guess i dun really have anything more to blog about. Except bryan is getting more and more cute each day and more and more mature. He was tickling me while we were trying to sleep just now and he gave that cheeky lil smile that made me laugh. Haha. And he told me somethings about my boyf that coincides with wat i feel. He's sucha sweetie pie i swear. I love my brother. He's my ultimate love machine. =) even though i shout at him sometimes and ignore him. I still love that lil boy. Just like i love my boyf. Wells. toodles then. =)