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mandy-low @blogspot.com ♥
Thursday, May 31, 2007

Alrights. Today's Vesak day. So, HAPPY VESAK DAY to all. Im not doing much today. Going to meet Adek later to play some rugby and do some exercise. Supposed to meet Guna but im kinda angry with him for something silly he did. So yeah. Just dun wanna meet him and be all awkward. So yeah. Just meet Adek instead. Plus spending time with Adek is the best ever. She makes me feel... i dunno... she's like my second closest thing next to a family. even though inthe past i tend to neglect her or vice versa, she's always been there for me. So i love that girl alot. And thus we're going to exercise later. Wahahahahaha. And i bet she's going to whine about eating again. Lolol.
So since i've been talking about her. Let's post thge pictures i took with her and Jas that time when we went out. To summarise the outing. I went with Adek to my work place for awhile. And then we shopped around bugis and then we went to Cityhall. There after we met up with Jassika and we ate. Then we cam whored and stuff and made funny videos. It was simple, yet so fun and, memorable. =) so here goes.....

How can you NOT cam whore in the toilet at SIM LIM SQUARE? It's pretty darn clean. Wahahaha.


Then we went to cityhall without much cam whoring. UNTIL !! We sat down at the staircase while i IR-ed.... By far my favourite picture with her. =) fierce right? Lol...
We tried to act cute. Y'know? Like those cheena bays. With the finger to the lips and the "opps" kinda look. But i think it's abit off. Wahaha...

Then we tried to do the growl thing that they always do. You know? "Hung up~" Lolol.... Just trying our best to act the cutest we can. But i think we failed badly. Lol.. BUT IT'S A START!! Wahahaha...Right...

then we wanted to act Minahrep. With all that stare-stare thing and the act cool look. But i don't think we fit very well in this category too. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE MAN? aliens? Lol..


Oh. So we realise maybe since we're trying to be funny. That we should fall under the funny category. So we made funny faces. =)

And it did kinda worked!! We took lotsa funny pictures. With big eyes. Small eys, medium eyes. opened mouth, twisted mouth. We were so pro at it we thought we could never stop.

Untill we really had to stop to go fetch the QUEEN!!! jassika from the mrt because she dunno her way around Cityhall. Haha. Selenger. Lol.. So we took a last photo together. ESCALATOR!

Then we met Jas. And we start right back where we started from. TOILET PICTURE TAKING!! This was at Rafles city toilet. With the full length mirror and all.

Jassika was pretty freaked out about her new pimples. Lol. Which made me laugh. I dunno. The word pimples just makes my stomach giggle. Wahahaha.


I wanted to cam whore by myself as Jas was too obsessed with her pimples to want to cam whore and Adek had to layan her. But then Adek caught me and disturbed my wonderful masterpiece. =P


Then we couldnt help it. It was getting stale. So we took out Adek's phone and continued the cam whoring. And that was when i realise i love pouting my lips in pictures. WEIRD....


Adek couldnt help but stare at my boobies all the time. She thinks my cleavage is too showing and keeps on taking picture of it as evidence. Even when i bend over to take a picture, she satres at it!! THIS IS EVIDENCE!! And jas was just trying to be extra. hahaha...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And thus ended our voyage at cityhall. We recorded some videos and it was the funniest part of all. but too bad i dun think i can post it. And i dun even noe how to.... But trust me, its a memory ill keep for a very long time. So much fun we had. If only Fateha was there to join in. But i think she'll just roll her eyes at us and say we're lame at times. Plus i dun think she'll be pretty happy at some point of times. Ok. I shan't reveal too much here. Or i might have an interrogation room waiting at Fateha's msn window later. =)

So it's raining now and im all alone. Maybe i should go hang out around. I don't wanna be alone like this. I might just end up thinking about Farhan. I mean, yeah sure, i havent been emo-ing about it since we broke up. But you know me, anytime i might just burst. So yeah. I should go find something to do. Talk to ants or something. Hahaha... OH YAH!! Yesterday i met up with LOGEN!! So cool. We had a nice time catching up. Just talking. Hanging out. Eating. And just making the same stupid lame jokes we use to always make. And we reminded ourselves about the past which made us see how clearly we have grown. Sigh. If only i had back that innocence at times. And if only happiness came so easily like in the past. I guess when you grow older, happiness just seems harder to grasp. If only eh... if only... sigh....

OKAY!!! SEE!! Im sighing again. I should stop now. Hope you enjoy the pictures!! And anonymous, you're great. Thx for reading til the end. =) I really dunno who you are. Hopefully, one day you'll reveal yourself to me. =) Thx again. And thx everyone else who read and were too lazy to comment. Lol... Thx you guys for being there for me always and not judging me like some others. My heart will always have more space for poeple who love me and for me to love people. So, always know that im just a call away... =) G'DAY TO ALL!! Take care.






Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Arghhhh... Today stinks pretty damn bad.... It's just the start and it already feels like shit. Crap. So boring. Lesson was suppose to be interesting today but it's getting so boring. Debate. Debating about how people accept ideas. And the whole discussion seems fucking dead. No idea why they wanted to shift place so now im at the library doing nuts. Don't feel like eating. Just feel like..... ahh... nvm....

It's so fucked up. Guna apparently had a small tiff with his friend over my blog. What the hell??? I didnt even do anything wrong lah. Wat the hell is his friends prob? Im a free woman now. I can do whatever i want. I wanna watch movie with who i watch lah! I wanna go drinking with who i go lah! What the hell.... Not like im attached or anything. Stupid shithole. What wrong did i commit as a SINGLE woman, going out and having fun with my FRIENDS!!! Crazy bastard. All i did was have a drink with a couple of guy friends and had fun cam whoring. Wrong ah? Asshole. I dunno lah. This fucked up world is filled with so much politics nowadays.

And it totally doesnt help that Farhan is still being that BIG BABY and running away from the money he owes me. Asshole. Mother fucking bastard. Just settle the damn issue then we can get on with our respective lives...!! Wat the hell is so difficult about setting a time, date, place so that he can return me my god damn money!!! Fucking hell. being a loan shark SUCKS!!! I wish i was as cold hearted as them. Pig's blood and all. Maybe i should go Khatib and spray paint on his house or something. Yah right... then it will become MY fault!! Lol. Im not that dumb. I go straight to the dogs of the government. WAHAHAHAH!!! Haiyah... Bo suah!!! How the hell did it become like this? I thought he should have at least grown up that bit. BUT HE DIDN'T!!! All my efforts gone to waste. Fucking cb mofo bitching son of a gun. Ahhhh!!!

Ok. Sorry. I just need to rant really badly and i don't think anyone wants to hear it from me directly. So im blogging about it. It's so fucked up all this lame shits. I just weanna fucking get it over and done with then just move on without looking back. But that fucker dun allow it. Kiwak. Im like really frustrated lah. how the hell can a 18 year old bastard act like a 5 year old kid???? It's so insulting to his type of people. Seriously. I know i shouldn't judge his family and friends by his actions. BUT I GUESS NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE THINK IM DUMB!!! Because of all the guys in the damn world, i chose to have a fucking dumb ex-bf!!!! Stupid mofo. Ah... K lah. Sorry lah Farhan. Didn't mean to say that. Im just pissed cos you're being too much of an ass lah. You're not THAT dumb lah. Just y'know? RETURN ME MY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING MONEY!!! bitch....

Ok. So what...? Im pissed off over little things today. Cant a girl have her one day of pms and total whining?? This is fucked up lah. This day cant get any better lah. Seriously. And after this im meeting Logen. Hopefully that goes better than expected. At least it'llmake the day worth it. It's been a while since i met Logen. And he's been such a great fren since i know him. Miss himalot. And hopefully we can fufill our MURTABAK date today. Wahahahah... =) Sigh.... Life stinks pretty damn bad now. And i wish i had something nicer to feel..... BLAH....

Oh yeah!! On the lighter note, touch training yesterday was awesome!! It was our first training and it was fun and more fun!!! MIA and Saedah and i made a hell lot of jokes. And we were calling ourselves boobies queen. We were getting way to horny on the field with all the excess grinding and touching. Everything was great. Time passed too quickly and training ended. But i made new friends and we had lotsa fun. Camp is coming up soon so im waiting to just have more fun. Hahaha... I guess ill be a tad bit busier now. =) Lets see if i have the makings of a good rugger. =) YAY!!! ADEK'S IN RUGBY TOO!!! haha.. Can play together... So fun.... And can exercise finally. And lose some babat!!! Lol... =P

Rights. I guess thats about it lah. Not in the mood to blog anymore. So yeah. If anyone of you reads til the end. I admire your patience for me. Thx. Love ya'all... =) take care. G'day to all....
Monday, May 28, 2007

OKAYS !!! I'll post the outing with my class ones first. Adek and mine will com elater. =) Just feast your eyes on our cam whoring products! =) Hope you enjoyed it as much as i did making them. =)



This is the guys!!!

And their reflection..

And the GIRLS'...


Me and Allison

Me,Theo,Issac,Meiying,Syara

allison,farah,amily,ME!

The gnag of us at VIVO..

AND OUR REFLECTION ....

THE GIRLS!

This is when the real party started for me, Jess and Jiawei.
LICKY!!
WELCOME TO HOLLAND V!!!
GAYISM professionals..
KISSIE WOOTS!


French fries munching!!
Whoops!
We weren't high. We just pretended...
since we cant get the kick out of the drink...
WE ACTED LIKE AS IF THE DRINKS MADE US DRUNK!



So HERE are the pictures.... Hope you guys enjoyed it. Cos i sure did enjoy that day. SUPERBLY WONDERFULLY GREATERISM!!! Haha... THX JESS FOR THE DRINKS!!! LOVES! =)

G'day to all... =)

CHAPTER FOUR - Avenged sevenfold

(give me your hand,
blood is spilt and man will follow
infernal man, punishment too great to bear)

Conceived and born was one of light
Rain and dark,
the other born black night
Raise your head and taste the courage
(the one of light)
Fall from grace,
unholy night

I've come here to kill you,
won't leave until you've died
Murder born of vengeance,
I closed my brothers eyes tonight...

Its cold tonight as the clouds turn grey
and from my hands to my brothers grave
You took his side,
you took his gift,
feel the power of a fallen man, crestfallen man...

Far away in this land I must go,
out of the site of the One.
A punishment sent from his hand
A hardship no one should know
Now go out of the site of the One,
away in this land you must go.

Where has he gone?
What have you done?
A voice commands from high above this earth.
From the soil
I hear his blood cry out to me,
"Murder, Liar, Vengeance, Deceit"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrightee baby. Im back to listening to really loud music. I guess it makes me feel that much better. I feel like moshing almost all the time. Maybe ill be gigging soon. Since Adek wants to try it out and Jas too. =) And since i didnt really get much of a chance to mosh in the past. Now i guess i paid my price for freedom and i have it!! Yooooohooo~ Haha. Wadeff....

Im not in the best of moods today. But im really trying to just be happy. I was stupid to go re-read those letters. I guess i thought getting over it was easier than it seems. Don't underestimate a girl's emotions. Fuck being a girl sucks. AT TIMES!! Hahahaha... But free drinks and good service and GUYS make being a girl pretty damn worth while.

GIRLS! Guys think with their dicks when they're horny. Use that. Manipulate!!! Lolol.... Ok. I guess maybe some guys will be offended by this. But i mean, admit it. If we girls know our way with guys. It's easy to use it. =) OKAY!!! I DUNNO WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUT!!! Stupid shits.

School's boring today. And i have pictures !!! Pictures to share with you guys. Since so long ago, i have pictures. Let's see if i can get my lazy butt to posting some of them here. Weets!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We've waited far too long to just give up now,
So when you feel shit, you just gotta keep on pushing."

"I need a map,
To trace back the way i came here.
So i can remember the times that we had."

"How many times did we try?
All the forces against us.
And giving up is more broken than it seems."

SCREW YOU !!!!
Saturday, May 26, 2007

ALRIGHTEES... These past couple of days is greateree~! Lol.. Went to watch "pirates" with my classmates. All skipped Science, busted the damn facilitator to watch a movie at Vivo. Actually wante dto go Sentosa but went for a movie in the end. Was great. Conquered the whole row of seats. Made lame jokes. And after that some of us went home after lunch, some chilled out at City Hall. The whole chat at Macdonalds was funny shits i swear. All of us making boob jokes and horny jokes. I think amily was a little turn off cos she didnt like topics like this. No offense man. But come on, we're teenagers, if we dun talk about it, we're gonna do it anyways. WAHAHAHAH!

Rightohs. After that Jezzie asked me to accompany him and Jia wei to Holland V for some fun. I didnt wanna go cos it was late already and it was pretty darn far away. But i went anyways cos Jezzie was so god damn persistant in asking me out. Wakakaka!! So i went there with him met Jiawei at commonwealth Mrt. Rizza and Falique were suppose to be there too with Harshan i think. but they backed out last minute. Haha. Whatever man. The three of us had the time of our lives drinking at Eski and cam-whoring. Lol. We acted totally high when actually we didnt even get the kick out of drinking those cocktails and Gin. Then Jeezzie showed us around Holland V. And Jiawei and i was pretty fascinated by the sight. Holland V is our new hang out place!!!! YAY!! JEZZIE AND JIAWEI AND ME AND THE OTHERS!!! YAY YAY!!! Lol.. I was so god damn happy cos i felt freedom for the firsttime in months. And to tell you the truth, it felt GREATERY!!! Lol... Loved that day man. What can beat that? Only a day out with Adek can beat that. And having a great family day out can beat that. =)

So yeah, after that Jezzie was so nice to pay for everything. But the next time its our turn to treat!! Haha... Wow.. Im gonna burn a hole in my pocket when my turn comes. Lol.. Who cares?! I enjoyed my time with Jiawei and Jezzie. SO....... I WANNA DO IT AGAIN!! CAM WHORE SOMEMORE!!! We pretended to kiss in the pictures and we're gonna kid the class saying we were high and we made out. all three of us. Hahahaha!!! GANG BANG AH?!!?!? Lol.. but nah~ We knew our limits. No hanky panky between me and the guys. Lol.

Yeaps. right now i wanna speand more time with friends and family. so much fun, and freedom. My family is great. I told my parents about the situation and my mum supported me. i always knew she would. She's the best mom ever! =) And my dad supported me in his own way too! =) Love my family lots. And my friends have been great too! all giving me their support and letting me whine about all the shits i've been thru. And they even make me feel better!! gosh. Why was i so blinded to have neglected them? I love them all so very much and to you guys! Im so sorry. forgive me yeah? I'll make it up the best way i can... Dun judge me kay? ove ya'all... and anonymous!! Thx for your comments. Seriously, when everything seems so wrong sometimes you're just my last resort to feel good. =) Thx for being my last resort. It's not an insult. Or sarcasm. It's a compliment. Being a last resort takes alot of skills. Trust me. You've been a great friend. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Farhan, 200 bucks. Thats all im asking. I won't bug you anymore after you return me the money. don't make me do the things i dun wanna do. You should know, i told you beofre. When a woman becomes cruel, she will do about everything, just to get what she wants. Now listen up. this is my turn, to be cruel. give me back my money. Thats all. Take care,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okays. What more do i have to blog about? Oh. Commitment shall wait. =)
Thursday, May 24, 2007

I know that i have been posting songs lyrics and lame phrases alot. but if it helps me get over this effed up feeling. So be it. And this song goes out to Farhan. I dedicated it once and ill do it again. Cos it speaks so truly of whats happening. Im sorry for being emo today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ashley Parker Angel - LET YOU GO

Broken promises
But you don't really mind
It's not the first time and you know it
Don't you know
Tell me why it is you only smile inside
But when you break me into nothing
Don't you know
It's not like I haven't tried over and over again
Stupid fights, wrong or right
Goodbye

[Chorus:]
I remember when you came with me that night
We said forever, that you would never let me go
But here I am again
With nothing left inside
Know I don't wanna
But I gotta let you go

You're the one mistake I really didn't mind
So beautiful, unmerciful
It took me down
Too little and too late
See now I know your kind
You fake it easy just to please me
Don't you know
It's not like we haven't tried over and over again
Sleepless nights, wrong or right
Goodbye

[Chorus]

I gotta let you go
It's you
There's nothing I can do
[Chorus]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

School is fun today. Lotsa stuff to do. Enterprise is nice. So is communications. =) My classmates rocks. We're most probably gonna skip school tmr for fun outing. HAhahahaha... Sentosa babe. Lol.... Fuck science. Faci suck. Exactly why we chose to do it on a friday. HAhahahaha!!

Alrights. guess lets just do the emopost now aites?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can someone be so irresponsible? So immature? So useless.... sigh. Who am i to say he's useless? I guess everyone is born in their own different way and we just couldnt work it out as a team. Maybe there wil be another out there for both me and him. How come everynight beofre i go to sleep i stil think of him and i still wish that all this things didnt happen at all? That we were truly made for each other. Why does everything work out always at thye start and then screw up at the end for me? Why make it go so nicely at first, give me false hoeps, and then make it gone suddenly? Is it really how life works? So unfair. Harris you should know... How unfair this shit is. We gave it our all. We did, didnt we? How come tings just couldnt work out? I just need to pin point on something. So many to pin point on. Which to choose? Im tired of blaming the other party or myself. When i blame the other party, i do stupid things to spite him/her. When i blame myslef i just get into depression. Fuck. If life only have two roads to choose. I'll kill myself. Thrid road, start afresh. Open more roads. Thats my only choice now huh? So difficult god dammit. everything, every where, every one reminds me of him. And it all comes down to me to stop all the abusing and the taking advantage. Do i realy want it back? That screwed up life i led after meeting him? Do i wanna live another man's life for him and screw up my own? I guess decisions, are.... fucked up... haha.... Why did i give it my all? And it just couldnt work out? Why was i so ready to believe a sweet talker? Why was i so stupid? To think that maybe love is actually that simple. Fuck. Thanks for waking me up Farhan. I hope you're satisfied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AHHHH.. Fuck. no mood to blog alr. Ciao babe.s Tc,... Forgive me everyone. For i have sinned... =) pls dun judge me... YET!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007

*Sometimes life throw stones at you,
Shoots bullets stright towards you.
Sometimes life seem so hard to get by,
But for every part, every moment, every setback,
You just gotta try*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's pretty darn hard to get over what i went thru for the past 9 - 10 months. When you already get used to something and have the mindset you're gonna have it for life. Losing it suddenly just makes the forgetting part worse. What can i say? sometimes the right choices are the hardest to make. And the hardest to live by. But i just gotta bite the damn bullet and pull through huh? Just giving up like that will only prove to everyone that im weak. And me?? I just hate to be known as weak. =) Just hopefully, this phase goes pass quickly. Hard living everynight like this now. Not knowing what to do. and having nothing to worry about is worrying. But this sudden burst of fresh air seems so.... erm... so... fresh? Haha....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what you're doing now farhan. Trying your best to spite me with your lies. cos you know how i always crumble to your lies and deceit. Trying to prove to me that there are many more opportunities out there for you. You're right farhan. Go farhan. Go to those people you call friends and to those girls you think have potential to take my place. Go. Because im so sure. Im so sure that i have set that standard there. I've set the bar high enough. And if any girl that passes my standard, deserves your love better than me. So go. I won't do anything anymore. Going all the way here and there to find you and be lied to over and over again. And still put away my ego and face and cry to you telling you you're the best. Farhan, if you want to feel needed and love, this time you cant get it from me. You're back to the same old shit again. Trying to use girls to spite me. It's getting old farhan. change your style. Come on. Do you think after all these time ill still fall for the same old trick? I've grown farhan. Unlike you, i've learn from my mistakes and i won't repeat it again. You may think all this is bullshit. on eday, just one day. You'll find out. And you'll look back at all this and laugh. You'll tell your next gf those same old lies you told me and at night you'll ponder what exactly have you changed. And the answer is simple. "NOT MUCH"... Not much farhan.

BEYOND FOUR LETTERS? Let this phrase be a meaningful one for another girl farhan. Apparently im not the girl for you and i wasn't. If any other girl can take abeating from you and still stay on with you for 9 months. She deserves the "beyond four letters". If any girl can support you financially and emotionally and still try and be the best gf ever, she deserve it. MUCH MORE THAN ME! How do i say i hate you? When all thathas happen, was because i gave in too much. My own grave mistake giving you the chances i gave and pampering you the way i did. Who am i to blame?

Go to school farhan. And rmb to go home. Thats all your life is dependent on right now. Your future all being runined by your own hands and you think your frens is going to help you? TILL WHEN FARHAN? TIll when are your frens going to console your tiny broken shattered little heart? Be a man. Grow up and be a man. Take responsibility for your life. They dun live it for you. I tried not to. And now i DON'T NEED to. Goodight farhan. May you lead a more meaningful life from now onwards. It's a new beginning for you too. =)

p.s( PLEASE JUST RETURN ME MY MONEY)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today i finally watched a movie. Wanted to watch the mly ghost movie but then we watched "Blades of Glory" instead. It's a funny movie lah. Very lame. actually kinda not worth the money. But had a couple of good laughs. Plus it was fun watching it with Guna. He's BALD!!! Ahahahahaha.... And he wore working attire which is awesome!!! Lol... We played arcade!! And i played Tekken. I lost after a couple of rounds. but it was fun lah. Haha... Went to check out the UK funfair and it was STUPENDOUS!!! If only i have a chanceto ride on the rides befor ethey close 4 days later. =( sigh.... It would have been so great if i had money just now. Haiyah bo suah.....

Then i had a superly duper time with my VERY LONG TIME FREN yesterday. Haha.. Had our fun time "cuci mata-ing" and making lame jokes and talking about guys. Lol. took quite alot of pictures and some funny shit videos. Lol... We went crazy with boredom lah. but we had fun... So much fun and i wanna do it again soon!!! Love that pootsie pie doopsie coops so much. Only he/she knows who she/he is lah eh? I miss you lah... And dun EVER EVER forget me... =)

Im making up for lost time now. So people. Please. Don't judge me yet. Im not who i am. I've been way too over my head with Farhan i didnt have time for myself. so now it's time for me to get back up. So help me out kay? =) Love you guys. Sweet dreams all. Niteys! =p
Monday, May 21, 2007

Wow. Anonymous. You must be someone who knows me. You said "love you". Not everyone says that to me. Now im even more curious who you are. Could you be my mum? If you are, hmmm, maybe mums do have that effect huh? I respect you. If you're just a friend who has been showing support all this while. I love you too. And mum too. I dunno! Ok. anonymous can be anybody. Just by saying love you dun mean anything. But it means to me. Recently, feeling so unloved. Just hurts really bad.

Today screwed up badly. And i've decided to take things seriously. into my hands now. No point me trusting in someone that abuses that trust. So it's over. Yeah. I guess it is. How do you take a man who abuses you? How do you take a man who hits a girl? How do you take a man who lies over and over again? How do you take a man who disappears when needed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NightScapades. You wanna know what? The friend you made. Is a liar... who knows he's been lying to you all along? and he's a wimp at it as well. Well, as time goes by, you guys will find out more for yourself. AND GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! Cos he will probably take up most of your time. Trust me, ill be waiting for the day where you guys start gossiping behind his back, and realise that him being one of you is a burden to the whole group. And that day he realise he has lost everything. He'll run back home. Where ever his "home" is. I really wish girls come into his life. MANY GIRLS!! INFACT!!! ANY GIRLS OUT THERE DESPERATE FOR A MAN?!?! MHD FARHAN BIN ANNUAR!!! He's god damn available. And trust me, he wun deny any chance to get a girl. So just butter up your ass, smoothen up your lips and go lure that SOB. Alrights? And bless you with that. Cos you'll need plenty blessings to get thru what i go thru. =)

If so happens, that he reads this, im so sure. He'll have that smirk on his face. You want to see who will win? all the bets i have won. And this final bet, i will win. Your life is gonna be as screwed as it can be. Enjoy it now. Seriously, try your god dan best to enjoy it. Bcos good things never lasts. And it's high time you learn to face your problems. and this time i ain't gonna help you. infact, ill BE the problem. alrights? We'll see who gets the last laugh babe.

For the past 9 months i went thru with you. THINK!!! was one thing you always ask me to do, but you couldn't. Nightscapades? Bullshit aites? Let's see how long nightscapades will teman you. Lets see how long they'll take your emo shit and your nonsense alrights? Be happy babe. From the bottom of my heart, i just wanna seeyou happy. But beyond that happiness. Just always rmb how you once tortured a girl aites? That's a story you wun ever wanna tell the grandkids. And god bless the next girl that comes into your life. Just hope she's much stronger than me and can take more shit and crap from you.

You wanna laugh? cos you think im over exaggerating huh? Everynight. every single night. Whenever you're free. And you have nothing better to do and you cant sleep. And there's no girl for you to call and talk to. Think of how you murdered us farhan. In every way in every moment i tried to help us. all you ever did was whine and get what you want. But rmb, you're 18 now and mummy's not gonna help you clean up that mess anymore. You gotta look at that problem in the face and solve it now. Be a big boy now. Sounds scary huh? Wake up farhan. That's life. Sigh. I just wish after us. You actually realise someting about yourself. And that you will make your life better. So if at least my hurt and pain is worth something. It's worth you turning over a new leaf. Im not saying im perfect and i have nothing to change. I do. I do have many things. And one of it is to not follow my heart so much. To think alot, before i fall for another man. And i do make mistakes too. Like you. But one thing that differentiates us, i bear with the consequences like a man/woman. But you run away. That makes you more of a coward than me. Your anger aint gonna bring you no where. And you know it. You just dun wanna admit it.

Good luck farhan. Although you treated me like nothing. And you were all the things you and i wish you werent. I still do cherish that one moment we had. Felt alot like love. =) Have a nice life. Im still a friend.

p.s(all i want back from you now. is the money you owe me. i need it back. pls dun run away from this)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh. What can i say? Moving on is going to be one helluva hard time and a big roller coaster ride for me. but i guess that's just the best way out. I was right. I was right all along. I just needed that hard hit on the head. And he gave it to me, literally. =)

Thx, harris. For always hearing my lame cries over a guy that did all those to me. And thx logen for always giving me the deepest advice anyone else can give. You wreck my brains. Thx adek, for always trying to be there for me even tough i know you think im pathetic sometimes. Thx fateha for trying your best to cheer me up and be my darling. Kenneth too. Thx for that great advice. everyone else that played a part in me being here. My family and all. My mum.. =) I guess this is a new beginning. A fight for me to regain self consciousness. Love is about letting a person find the happiness that they're deprived of. Im doing that now. And i guess he is too.

Anonymous. Sometimes its better not knowing. =) When i feel lonely. And i dun feel like burdening anyone else. Can i burden you? =) Haha.. Im just being some emo fucked up girl lah. Today sucked shit. today was the day i have to make that hard decision. The hardest knock on the head to wake me up. And the hardest knock, done by none other than the culprit himself. Typical scenario. Somebody, tell me all this is just a dream. Just a nightmare.. okay? Im ready to wake up to a very fantasy-ish world. With all that i want around me. Wake me up will you ? Im sick. And i dun think i can take much more of this.

~i swear i need pills~ save me guardian angel. dun let the devil take ocntrol aites? Ill try my best to fight this feeling of just giving up.

Goodnight everyone. TAKE CARE! =) Love you all !!!

I got this poem thingy from Harris blog. Cheers dude. this whole poem shit just got me all emo-ed up. And this words. So true speak of his feelings and mine i guess. Someway, somehow, whatever anyone is going thru, another person knows the feeling. And dun ever say you're alone in this dumb world. I just realise that im not alone. And i wish this realisation lasts. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know

So now I'm all alone,
Boy, you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around
it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you

If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back

Boy I told you what it is
& it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me,
your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance
I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough
So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do
Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do

Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are all these happening? Did i not give enough? Is this KARMA? Is this what i truly deserve? To just love and get all these shit. BE FAIR !!!! LOOK AT US AND BE FAIR!! LOOK AT ME!!! AND BE FAIR!! Im god damn blood and flesh too. I may be a cold hearted bitch at times but LOOK AT ME!!! Im on my knees, begging every day and night that you would help this. End this. Make this all worth while. And each night i feel the apin and disappointment. And i just die a lil' more. Thanks baby. For killing me. I never thought you would be the one. The one to murder me. Yeah. You live up to your name. Murder your love? You just did. With all these, you just did. You killed us. And each day you tell me to try, not give up, give you time. When all you're doing is nothing, enjoying the ride. While you see me tortured and crumble around your lies and your immaturity. You !!! Are worse than me!! I may be cold blooded but i have a conscience. You have none. And with that, killing me, was easy. It was huh? You rocked your world. Now i hope you find a good life. And with this guilt you live the rest of it like crap. Fuck.
Friday, May 18, 2007

If you're not the one - Daniel Bedingfield

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one
I share my life with
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it,
I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you
then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then
why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my man?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one
I share my life with
And I wish that you could
be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one
I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away
but I can’t take it,
I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then
why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you,
body and soul so strong
that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart
and pray for the strength to stand today

‘Cause I love you,
whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away
but I can’t take it,
I don’t understand

If I’m not made for you
then why does my heart
tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my love, this song i dedicate to you. going thru so much shit and more shit together. I just hope we can pull this through. I dun wanna learn to love another man and i just wish that this whole thing would work out. You've done your many many mistakes and i've done my mistakes. So i guess this is just something. If it doesnt work out, just noe that we once had this wonderful thing we shared. Love. I wish you all the best. =) remember your words and your promises. Cos i do rmb yours and mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Anonymous... i miss your comments.... =) Hope you're doing fine. =) have a good weekend... =) Good bye everyone. My life still kinda suck right now. =)

I was tagged by vH to do this thing. Like Logen, i wun be tagging others. But ill do it anyways. =) !10 weird things about myself.

1) Sometimes i talk to myself.
2) I talk to the spongebob that Adek got for me when im sad.
3) Im not really emo. Anymore.. =)
4) I need alot of attention most of the time.
5) Im actually a girl too. even tho i dun act like one.
6) I like to eat rendang and hate cockles.
7) I hate canned soya bean milk. It makes me puke.
8) I sing alot.
9) I wish i can run away and leave evrything behind sometimes.
10) My love life is the one that can screw me up alot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Alrights. So thats the thing i had to do. Now down to some blogging. Havent been blogging for awhile now because so many things happened recently. So many... that i wish didnt.... sigh... How do you tell someone that you feel like you're giving up so bad and you feel dead most of the time. ? How do you tell them that you see no hope in trying so hard just for nothing. Dear blog readers, i was wrong. I should have snipped the problem when it was still a little bud. Now its already a big big tree. And im on the highest branch. How do i get down?

Yeah. This sucks, AGAIN. I dunno why everything seem to start to suck ever since so long ago. Is it that i changed? Or is it im growing too old too fast? Now one problem seems so big. Im suppose to feel like an adult but instead i feel like a small kid. And these problems beats me hands down. It's not easy i swear to you. Having to solve problems everyday not only in school but also in life. One by one they accummulate and they kill me. I tried, i try, and im trying. Yet i still feel like im going no where.

The decision, was to have a break. I havent tried that out for a long long time. My last break from all this, was after i broke up with shukur. And to think of it, that break, while it lasted, felt free. Felt great. Felt awesome. Sometimes singlehood sounds and SEEMS really tempting. After shukur, i thought it taught me a very valuable lesson. And that is to judge, judge the people you love when you think that you're gonna love him/her very deply. Weigh the possibilities. Weigh everything before you step foot into anything at all. But i didnt follow that advice. I got myself swept off my feet. And i followed the ride. Even though i knew this ride might be quite a shaky one. I was wrong. Blame me. I should have snipped it in the bud.

Now its going way too fast for me to comprehend. I give up. Can i? Can i give up totally? No. Bcos ever since i knew. I was never one who would sit back and do nothing as i see everything fall apart. I just can't. especially when it hurts me and my love ones. HOW? But HOW! Thats the problem. How do i do something about it when i dunno where the hell to even start. Is it me? Or am i just being way too sensitive about everything? I feel unloved. I do. Im sorry to those who disagree. But i feel unloved. And it sucks. Everythings sucks. Omg im becoming that old emofuck again. And i gotta stop that.

Alrightees.... I have nth to do today. And im bored. Im in school. I came to school anyway. I had nothing else to do. So just come and get a damn grade and go out or home. Nobody seems free. Now i know how adek feels on her past fridays last time. Fridays suck. Maybe ill be going out. Alone. Get some fresh air. City hall? Long time since i been there. Friday. Yhucks!! Will definitely see those scene people. Maybe just going to east coast will do. Cheap thrill. ride a bike or something. I feel lousy. Ok. today blogging failed me. It only made me feel worse. Fuck. Im sorry. Bye. Take cares.
Friday, May 11, 2007

http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/367796

PLEASE GO DO THIS TEST!!! I was bored in class and i just wanna see who knows me the best thru this stupid lame shit questions that i came up with myself. =)

Well wish you guys all tre best!! those who fail the damn test. You better damn well try to get to know me better. Hahaha... Skiddin. you guys are still my good frens even if you fail. Im frens with many failures. Im one myself. =P

Okay okay. i got work to do. Today's module suck. And im meeting adek after school. And YES!!! I cant wait to see her. It's been so long and i miss her so much. YAY!!!! Ok. Bye. BREAK TIME!! MAKAN MAKANAN!!! Weeeee~
Wednesday, May 09, 2007

"Open up my eye.
flood it with daylight"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey you guys. Im happy today. i am. It's been sometime since i felt this way. I really REALLY REALLY hope this feeling lasts. At least for the whole damn day... =) I just wanna slackery and just live life happily now. With or without the things i already have. The only thing i need is myself. RIGHT? In times of shit anyone can turn their back on me. Only i cant. =)

Im like damn bored in class lah. Refuse to go break cos i know surely i spend money and eat. I refuse to do both. I need to save money and i need to lose weight. So..... Here in class i am feeling bored. I havent even been hanging out with my friends in school much. It's purely just class business and after that i don't really talk much to them. I think im bcoming the autistic one. So conservative. What the heck happened to me man?? I just dun feel like hanging out and chilling out with my frens in school anymore. Not many of them interest me. =/

Well, staying in class listening to songs from my laptop kinda rocks too. Somehow listening to al those metalcore and hardcore songs makes me feel like going to gigs again. Hmmmm, but i must save. And i think that scene people these days are getting more and more useless in their own "scenic" way. Merepek ah... All of them are like fucks to me now. I just wanna go gig. Mosh, drink, listen songs, check out band people and then ciao. No interaction between me and scene people at all. Not even those that i kinda know. Not interested and never will be again. =)

Today's module on microwave and its effect. Fucked up. Pretty easy. Haha. More on resources shits. So we just have to check out websites and books and stuff. then relevate it to the problem. Simple. I think by second break ill be fucking free to do anything. Im not the scribe or the leader today. and i dun feel like doing anything. I just wanna cherish this happy feeling. And slack and joke ard. Not everyday recently i've been like that. It's so rare nowadays.

MOTHER'S DAY IS COMING!!!! GUYS!!! Hold your mother by the hand and then tell her you love her. Ok. Sounds simple. But i dun think i have the guts to do that. I told you, i have something that just restricts me to intimacy with my parents and my siblings. Except Bryan cos he's just 6. Hmmm, well its the thought that counts. Hahahah... Hope all of the mother's, young old fat thin ugly pretty, all enjoy this coming sunday. All those fuckers who screws their mum's up all the time, at least for one day, GIVE HER A BREAK!!! STAY HOME!! DO SOME CHORES! TREAT HER CHOCOLATES!!! And for those mofo dads that abuses their wife, FUCK IS MOTHER'S DAY!! GIVE YOUR WIFE A BREAK! IF YOU WERE BORN OUT FROM A MOTHER'S WOMB! HAVE SOME COSCIENCE!! =) Ok. My pretty vulgar dedcication to all mums out there. Sorry. =)

"you broke my heart into a thousand pieces,
and you say, it because,
i deserve better????"

AHHHHH!! Im so god damn bored!! And i have nothing to blog about anymore!!!!




From Farhan , To MANDY "HELLO DARLING!! JUST HOLD MY HAND AND WE'LL MAKE IT. I LOVE YOU DARLING! From BABY. "
At Suntec fountain. A surprise dedication last friday. And the day he treated me to GELARE. Two wishes fulfilled in one day. Just for it to be screwed up the same night.

I just love, the screw ups. NOT!!! And ...... him..... Sigh.. I wish things were soooo much better..... Please.... I beg..... everynight ill go on knees. And just beg for whoever that's doing this to me, Stop it. And save me please.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Busted - Losing you

Yeah...
Sitting here alone
thinking it through
trying to convince myself that i'm
Not losing you,
Or can't you just forget the things i said
I was angry at the time but now i cleared my head
It was so strong,
where did it all go wrong

[Chorus:]
So tell me why,
i'm swimming against the tide
And i'm praying for a lifeline, cos i'm
Losing you
So tell me why,
you don't care enough to try
Are you giving up this fight,
i can't stand, Wont stand,
losing you

You don't have to say a word
its in your eyes
What can i do to convince you
we need more time
And i know i may have made a few mistakes
But losing you is just too much for me to take
It was so strong,
where did it all go wrong

[Chorus]

So tell me what to say
Because i need,
a chance to change
And i wont let you walk away

[Chorus x2]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just because of your stupid lies. are we just gonna give up 9 months of work and love like this? just bcos you were too dumb to think before3 you act, we're drifting away from each other? Just bcos i tried so hard to teach you the things i KNOW will make you better, and you didnt listen, we have to become this way? How many more times do i have to tel you, i dun like to be lie to, for you to take me seriously. How come you just cant see it from my point of view? All i want from you is your loyalty, your honesty, your effort, and your love. If thats too much from me, thats what you've been asking from me. And even more. Please. Just at least try! I dun wanna give up. And i cant!! It's so difficult to forget you. To stop loving you. To be someone totally out of your life. Somehow you just have a way of pulling me back into this whirlwind of crap/love. And i dunno if i like it or not, but when you lie, im pretty damn sure i hate it. How do you just stop loving someone that you have gotten so used to? Just leave and pretend all the past things didnt happen. Im not like that. If i have to make a choice over and over again, my choice would MOST DEFINITELY be the same. To love you and continue to love you. But it just doesnt feel like this feelings are reciprocated back. WHy the lies? Why the hiding ? Why the running away? Am i seeing the man whom ill be spending the rest of my life with? If so, im afraid. If thats gonna be how im gonna live with you forever, its so god damn scary to think about it. Lies and more lies. How can your love be so true yet your actions and words so dishonest? It's so contradicting and its so painful to think about. You wouldnt noe. Bcos so far i havent lied to you ytet. And this is it. Im telling you. PLEASE STOP YOUR LIES!!! PLEASE!! FOR ONE VERY VERY LAST TIME!!! just take this seriously. Just be a man. I am here. Have always been will always be. Please dun take advantage of it.
Saturday, May 05, 2007

i hate it everytime you lie to me. you lie and lie and lie!!! You big fat fucking liar!!! you mother fucking whore!!! you slut!!! you lied!! about everything!!!! the love, the kisses the tears the everything!!! wat can i believe now?!!? that you're a big fucking liar?? yes you are!! i believe that now!!! i believe whoever that told me that i deserve better. that you used me all along!! that you played me!! cos you knw i loved you so much!! so much i would go thru hell just to be with you. but wake up kid!!! you pushed it. its sooooo gone now the shit you gave me. im gonna get over you. gonna get over you so bad im gonna hate you!!! all you do was lie to me!! everything was a big lie!!! just a big big lie!! your hugs!! your calls.... your trying to be a better person. your trying to make me smile. your trying to make me happy. your trying to fulfil my wish!!! you brought me to suntec today. and made my wish came true by doing a dedictaion at the fountain. and you treated me to gelare. something you paid for for the first time. and you made me smile. even after i lost my phone the limelight went to you!!! im so sick of you taking away the attention that i need. the moments that i need!!! im so sick of your lies!! liar!!! liar!!!! LIARR!!!! You fucked up bitch. how can you do this to me? the only one who cares enough to do something about your pathetic life. you give me crap. then you tell me not to leave. you loserfide mofo!!! you asshole!!! You mean evil monster!!! Who ever that ends up with you is sucha poor kid!!! seriously BURN IN HELL!!!! Lie lie lie!! Im so tired of your lies. for every other lie you make you use another to cover. I gave you chances!! CHANCES!!! FUCKER!! CHANCES!! NOT CHANCE!!!! I gave you chances... And you used me. You played me like a bloody fool. Like a doll you use me and then when u're sick of it you throw it aside. fuck you bastard!!! Now you lose!!!Bcos i dun need you anymore!!!! I 've had enough of the shit you give me!!your cries. They all dun matter!!! Im gonna keep myself so busy i wun have tim eto think of you. i hate you!! all you do is lie!! All is a lie!! your lies are lies!! your truths are lies!!! You lie. YOU LIED!!!!!!! I so hate you right now!!! You're sucha bastard. and you call me in the middle of the night. when you cant slp!! And expect me to be there for you!! And i did!!! And you cry to me about your mum!!! And i consoled you!! HOW DUMB!?!?!? How dumb i was.... i was so stupid. to think you would be the one. just after one nice thing you did for nme out of all the shit you gave me. Out of all the crap you threw at me you did ONE nice thing. ONE!!! and i feel in love with you all over again. I was stupid. dumb. Lousy. i feel like an idiot thanks to you!!! You're everything i shouldnt have wanted!!! Yet i wanted you. Needed you like how humans need air!!! I needed you and you played me. You bitch!!!! You sucha mother fucking asshole jerk!!! Im gonna give it back to you so bad!!! so bad you wunbe able to live with it!!! trust me... ll help hell to get you there sooner.... DIE!!!! It's so simple. I brought you to where you are now. I can bring you back down. I hate you!!! and i WILL do wat i said i will!! Trust me this ime its for real. so many things. so many people. trust me.... and you used me! I cant accept that!!! I gave yu every god damn thing you ever wanted. EVEN MORE!!! And youfucking hell screw it all. You make me hate ple like you. KENTAL!!! You make me hate pple like you.. LOSERS!!! you make me hate you. From love. You make me hate you!!! Yah. I will admit it. I noe after this anger is gone i will miss you. and i will love you. BUT FUCK IT!!! Ive had enough..... !!!! Ive enough of the shit you give me. And im tired of being the only one who is truly commited to this relationship. You can go fuck other girls for all i care. cos im not gonna care about you anymore. Ill care about me!! and this time you'll regret it more than ever!!THAT ONE BITCH LIKE ME YOU DIDNT CHERISH!! THAT YOU DIDNT TREASURE!!! For fuck i care about you??? when you only care about yourself. You big fat fucked up. loser! i aint gonna care shit about you. seriously. Now i have my own needs. And you're nothing!!! You mother fucker!!! how could you do this to me?!?!? is this your meaing of love?? paint your love??? No. PAIN is your love. PAIN is the love that we share. all it gives me is pain. And you keep saying you love me and need me. And i believed you!!! I LOVED YOU!!! I LOVED YOU!!! HOW COULD YOU!!! I FEEL SO MUCH IN LOVE!!! AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY!!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THI STO ME AGAIN AND AGIAN AND AGAIN!!!! I LOVED YOU!!!!! I REALLY DID!!! I NEEDED YOU!!! I WANTED YOU!!! I LOVED!!! AND YOU PLAYED!!! I LOVE YOU!!! HOW COULD YOU!!! YOU HURT ME SO MUCH!!!! AND IM SUCHA FOOL!!! A FOOL FOR YOU!!! AND YOU PLAY ME LIKE A DAMN DOLL!!! I HATE YOU!!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS!!!!?? WHY?!?!?!!? IF YOU THINK ANY OTHER GIRL IS BETTER THAN ME FOR YOU OUT THERE!!! FUCK IT!!!! YOU THOUGHT WRONG!!!!! IM THE BEST YOU'L L EVER GET!!!! i dun mean to be proud or come across as slutty. but trust me. if anyone of you knows us well enough. what i say. you know its true.... Im dead. he shot me dea. that asshole. son of a jerk! bitch assfuck! how could he have killed me like this. i want help now. and its all gone. just because of lies. simple yet complicated lies!! lies.... are fucked up things. now i know why everyone hates liars. trust me. let me join the club!! LIAR!!! FUCK YOU!!!

I HATE THAT MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!!!

MUHD FARHAN BIN ANNUAR!!! BURN IN HELL YOU SUCKER!!!

BIG FAT LIAR!!! SHITFACE WHORE CRAP SHIT MOFO CB PERSON!!!!

BURN IN HELL ASSHOLE!!!!

LIAR!!! LIAR!!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOUR CB FACE YOUR CB EVERYTHING!!! BURN BITCH BURN!!! DIE!!!! MOFO SLUT!!!

btw annymous. thx for the comment.. =) i really wanna noe who you are in times where i feel shit like this. so at least you can talk to me. but sigh. life stinks.
Thursday, May 03, 2007

Im so disappointed in myself. UTTERLY DISAPPOINTED!!! I know i could have done better. What the heck came over me?? Sigh. Seeing those others do so much better than me made me feel like shit. I could have done it if i had been exercising regularly dammit. I am so ready for more cuts and bruises if i can just be better at it. I just hope i get into the RP touch team. I WANT TO PLAY TOUCH RUGBY!! I swear if i cant get into the touch team i would try out for contact. It doesnt matter to me what so long i get to play rugby. I have my own personal issues to justify that but i don't think i wanna blog that down. sigh. Im so dissapointed.

Just now after trials i was all alone walking home. It was so late already and my friends were all either taking cab or waiting for their parents to come fetch them home. All i had was my ezlink card. I felt fucking pathetic especially after having my confidence level hit down soooo god damn low. I seriously didnt need the lone walk home. I got a little bit emo.

I was just hoping there was someone to accompany me and tell me its ok that i sucked at the trials cos i can joing clubs outside and get better from there. But nobody did. I called Wilson up and i was very fed up so i spoke quite vulgarly. He was the first person i called after the trials. IMMEDIATELY!! but all i got from him was "Talk properly lah! nvm wan lah. Can wan..." Which sucked bcos it seriously only made me feel worse. Sigh. I just needed someone to comfort me and tell me that i can still try harder next time. The only person i had was myself.

Didnt help that on the way home in the train i bumped into 3 minahreps and 1 matrep. and the matrep kept staring at me like im some kind of freak. So i did the only logical thing a "lonely girl who is dead beat after the trials and feels like shit" will do. I stared back at him like he was some kinda monster. And we made this fucked up eye contact for awhile and after that.............................................. AFTER THAT!!!! After that i rolled my eyes at the matrep bcos they were playing raggaeton music soooo damn loud and i was irritated. I tried to call Falique so i could sarcastically tell him LOUDLY that some certain pple in the train was being noisy. But Falique didnt pick up. I was so pissed and disapppointed and tired i did the only thing i thought i should. stood up.......... Then i walked towards the matrep......... And turn left to the door and left the train..... HAhahahahahahahah.... Wtf........

Okok.seriously. the matrep did stare at me and i did roll my eyes at him. The funny thing was after the matrep saw me roll my eyes, he still looked at me and i looked back and gave a cold stare. And then he smiled!! That idiot smiled!! Ok. I know i shouldnt call him an idiot but what the fuck!!! I think his girl was right beside him. Maybe it was his sister. They look like one big matrep family anyways. Whatever. So irritating shit to the core. So he smiled. And i did the next logical thing i could think of. Lol. I forgot what i did. but i know i wanted to stare at him until he melted and became a pile of dung. Same goes for those sluts sitting beside him. stare stare. Later their eyes grow at their fucking backside i laugh ah. Ok lah. Im just ranting. I need to blog. blogging kinda takes away that lonely feeling for awhile.

Sigh. And now its back. bleah~ Hate feeling so lonely. The only fucking way i can actually have someone to talk to is thru calling. and the person i wish to call has no way of being contacted. CB!!! Hais. sorry lah. I feel damn lousy lah. So useless. All my family members (guys) can play rugby quite well. and Clar also. and i suck so bad at it. I hate having a low confidence like this. I cant do anything right in this state. I dun even feel like going school tomorrow not bcos im tired.. but more bcos i feel so lousy i don't think ill perform. =( I wish he was here. Y'know? Sometimes you just wish someone is here to tell you that everything will be fine by tomorrow. even though you might already know it. I guess its just god damn fated that i have to be independent. He didnt even wish me good luck today. I thought about him the whole way home. You know RINDU? Yah. I RINDU-ED him. And it added to the sucky feeling. Next i thought about Adek and Harris. Which made me feel more missing-ness and then i thought about my family. Which made me have so much mixture of emotions. I walked like a zombie. scary~

So yah. I gues that sums up today. Bohao pissed me off alil today in class. I was already effing tired and i didnt even give a shit abt the presentation. but the question he asked were so god damn stupid i had to tell him to grow up. I swear i almost walk up there to punch his loser-fide face. I was that pissed and that irritated. Don't mess with me when im not in the mood nowadays. Seriously, i dunno how far my anger would go. Recently ive been having anger urges. The urges to just shout and scream at anyone who kacau me. but i somehow decided to just stay calm. Im gonna be an adult now. No more giving in to those lousy urges. Hahaha.....

i cried in school and on the way home today. the feeling undescribable. just sucked really badly. i dunno why. i just cried. my heartbeat went all the way to my hair. i swear i could feel it beating even at my finger tips. I felt scared, lonely. like a loser. And i felt even lousier feeling like that. felt like as if anyone could just pick me up and throw me one side. Needed someone so badly. needed him. but there was no way. no way at all to need him. bcos .... bcos i dunno..... bcos i always need at the wrong time?? is it my fault i felt that way at that point of time. if only he knew. it just sucks.

Okays. i guess im done blogging. Hope i get into the touch team in RP. I havent been eating lately though. today i only ate prata in the morning cos my mum cooked. And then yesterday i ate two hotdog buns. And the day before yesterday i forgot what i ate. ahh.... i dun wanna think lah. I dunno why i so stress also. Just feel like this suddenly. FUCKING HATE THOSE RAGGAETON BUSTEDS... =) busteds. hahaha. wtf.... Ok. guess thats all. maybe will blog again soon.

THANKS HARRIS AND FATEHA FOR COMMENTING!! LOVE YOU TOO FAT!!! AND HARRIS!!!!!!!!!!! I MISS YOU!!! I MISS WINNING YOU AT EVERYTHING WE CHALLNGE AT!!! WAKAKAKAKA>....
Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Aite-tee-yohs... It's break time now and everything's becoming way more boring than usual. There's more interaction going around class and everyone is happy. =) I just went to foodcourt A with Riiza and Kenneth and Ashan for hotdog bun and it was stupendous!!!! It was super delicious i swear!! The mustard and sauce and bbq sauce and cheese.. OMG!!! For only 2bucks!!!!! I would love to eat that everyday from now on. But im kinda broke. I have to save. Sighs. Things are getting so complicated again. I thought it would be better. Guess its still the same. Sigh.

So yeaps. It's okay because my feelings and emoptions are boosted from the previous breakdown. I was "re-booted". But i think it won't be long til i go nuts again. Cos after all im still just 17 and im still young. I do make mistakes too. I just wish the next time wouldnt feel as bad as this time. Cos this time sucked the worst!

How bored can i be? Class should be starting anytime now. And im in no mood. Im not sad or depressed. Im just lazy today. I wish i had holidays now. HAhahaha... Okok. Maybe ill blog again later lah. I dunno what to blog now. But im okay. For today i feel okay. I feel fresh. hmmmm, tell me this feeling would stay. PLEASE!!!! ???? =)))

Good day to all peeps.