Thanks anonymous for such wise words. Your friend is right i guess. But i dun believe my life is boring. There's just more to it than meets the eye. And i hate what lies beneath that false pretentious smile and laughter i go thru almost everyday. And moufie. Thanks babe. I love you too. Lots. And i miss you lots too. =) And yeah. Im pretty god damn sure im need a break. Sigh.

Again shit happens. everything was fine. until yesterday when it all came crashing. I got emotional. And i havent got that break down ever since i felt it a month ago. Now it happened and i regret it. I should have stayed strong. but i couldn't. And it crumbled. Just like that. Simple and so quick. I didnt even have the time to think or react. And i needed someone. Someone, anyone so bad. but at that moment, the great one above, decided i should be alone. And nobody responded to my cries. And i felt even worse than shit. Not that i noe how shit feels.

I just wish all this would stop for awhile. AWHILE JER!!!! Am i asking too much?!?! Fuck im going back to read HP7. Fuck this shit. I just want a break. A god damn break!! I feel like drinking now!!!! IR til i matha fucking die lah shit. AHHHHH!!!!! We'll see how this goes lah. I wish i have someone now again. But i fucking dunno who to go to now. So many friends for fuck. in the end when i fucking drown i dun even noe who to yell out. Not that its their fault. It's MINE!! MINE!! My matha fucking fault! everything lah. me. cb.

TIL NOW FARHAN HASN'T PAID UP AND HE HASN'T EVEN CALLED LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD!! MOTHER PUSS. I SWEAR IM GONNA SPRAY PAINT ALL OVER HIS DOOR AND POUR PIG'S BLOOD ON HIM. MOTHER HARAM CB. LIAR. TIL NOW STILL A MOTHER KUKU LIAR! And worse is i dun have time now to fuck him upside down about it. Cb.

Ok. Put that aside. Im feeling very lousy now. BAD BAD day to start with. Today's module needs alot of thinking and i cant think for nuts. Like i left my brain at home. And i feel freaking stupid and lousy and pissed. Confused maybe. So many god damn things for me to think about. So many shit i need to do. Juggling between school, trying to squeeze in rugby somewhere, work, and tutoring Aishah, trying to squueeze in more family time and life. It's being a bitch. So many things i need to do so little time for me to do. School itself takes up more than half my time. HOW DO I DO THIS!?!? Everything, everyone wants a piece of me. In a bad way. Or good. I dunno. I feel like i dun even have time for myself now. Exactly why i cant figure all this out. I got my 2 weeks break. And it felt like less than a week. I didnt go for rugby, i skipped work, i tried to focus and think but i still couldn't. Shit after shit after shit. And im so damn lazy to solve 'em all. I went drinking. I went to spend time on myself and im sorry it didn't work. Things just didnt work itself out when i was happily drinking away spending hard earned money. I suck at this, i know. I havent gotten the hang of handling with life ever since i can remember. BLAH.

There's one person that i care about. That i really do love. And this person, let's call him/her "A"... Ok. I realy do care and love A. But A thinks otherwise. And A is very very egoistic. There is no way of me winning in ANY situation because in the end, A would end up on top because A CANNOT lose. I repeat, A HATES to lose. And whenever i voice out my opinion, A thinks im pin pointing and A thinks im picking on A. But the point is i just need a good fren. A best fren. Someone who is with me alot of the time and can still be my best friend. Someone like Adek. But A cant be because our character clashes like mad. And we repel each other thoughts like how two positive repels each other. But there is one common attraction point. And that is that both A and me believe that we love each other and we care for each other. There were promises broken, words not taken seriously, but they still strongly believe that love will keep their friendship/relationship together. So what do i do? Im hearing things that this friendship/relationship won't last long if we continue like that. But i really want to change things. Im willing to put my ego aside but can things just go one way? I just dun want to repeat the same mistakes i made before again. A gets angryover many many things and im tired of quarreling. I try and try to give in. But A doesnt let me give in too because we have a policy of not bottling up things and not lying and being truthful about things. But then both find it hard, bcos of ONE SIMPLE REASON. Both care too much for the other party, that both of us are ready to sacrifice our own needs for the other. That's where all the confusion starts. And when both have a past they find hard to leave behind, the confusion gets into a whirl. And when both just wants happiness so much til they forget that the present is more important than the future, this whole thing just falls into pieces. I need help on this. But everytime i look for help i feel weak. Why cant i handle my own damn life. It's been 17 god damn years and im still a baby. Maybe my family is right. Im still a immature young brat. Fuck this shit.

Even when im shitting i think of all these shit and i cant fucking shit in peace. Even when i wanna sleep these things come to my mind and they play images over and over again and they come out with stupid ideas to solve these shits. And i can't sleep in peace., The only time i can sleep in peace, is when im high or after drinking quite a bit. A justification fo why im spending most of my free time sleeping and drinking away. I wasting my life away and dammit i want to do something but then again, i dunno how. FUck lah ni nau hia.

I wish i could be truthful, to myself, to A, to my family, to my friends. But now my life is filled with lies. Cb. I think Farhan influenced me. haha. Fuck ok no. I shouldnt blame Farhan. It's me. It's just me!!! And i need to stop lying to myself that life is just as simple as i want it to be. COS I KNOW ITS NOT! Stop thinking about my face and think about now! Settle the damn present before i even think about the future. And i hate thinking about the future. Cos whatever i predict for myself just turns out the opposite. I hate it lah. And i wanna cry but i cant. Im becoming that violent, crude and old tomboyish mandy i use to be. Cos situations now require me to react in that way. To protect my own feelings and my own life and myown thinking. I wish i could give in like how i used to and not get hurt in the end but like they say "once bitten twice shy". Am i wrong to learn from my mistake and try never to commit the same again? How would i know if the world have chged and have started to like me once again. Or are they still against me and wishing i was dead. I think half of you who reads this wun get it but i do. I get it now. Im sucha weirdo and im stupidly weird. I hate it so bad and i want it to end. Arghhhh... I need some love babeh!!! I really do.... I need to be treated like im some young kid princess baby. =((

Hais. dunno lah now i need to go back to doing my school work shits. Today suck. And i have rugby training later which i wish not to go. Rugby is starting to lose its touch with me. Maybe im just not like korkor. Maybe the only reason why i go into rugby is so that my parents would see me like how they see my brother. Just so they'll be more active in my life like how they were in kor's life when he played rugby. But i missed out the fact that me and korkor are two differfent people and no matter what i can never be as good as korkor in the things he do so well. Like rugby, and being that filial boy who hugs his mum occasionally. Ah lets not go to the subject of family. Just realise that i dun find an interest in rugby anymore. Maybe because i got so many other things i have to handle. And i dun wanna back out. Because in this i know if i back out i can predict what my parents would say. And i would hate them to say that to me, AGAIN. Fuck i guess ill press on.

SHit lah. I got so many more things to rant and whine about and nobody is free enough to listen. In fact I myself is not free to rant and whine. Fuck lah. Life? Will you stop being abitch to me for a week? Just a week or two? I hate you. =(

Thanks moufie and anonymous. =) was starting to think my blog was getting dead. So anyways, yeah.

Im tired, im sick, im partially drunk, pissed off, and im stressed. I need a break. I need some slack. Life's getting bitchier again. I love my mum, my family my friends and everyone else. I love them so much and i noe they love me too. Im not wallowing in self pity. But i feel like shit. And i wanna cry. But i cant. I wasted to much tears in the past. And now i wanna cry but i cant. I feel lousy. I feel lame. Somebody. Helpme, save me from this shit. I need to help myself. I dunno what im talking about. I feel like crap. WHY? WHY? Bcos i just do. And im too lazy to type out everything. I feel matha shitting stupid. HELP ME! HELP!

Thanks to those who try and tries and tried and trying to cheer me up and help me out. I just need a shoulder. And someone who can give me that hug. That says "mandy everything will be fine. It'll blow over. Yolu're not as bad as you think you are. You are mandy. you can get thru it."

How. ??? Pls help me.

Sigh today is great. Im feeling so hyper. TOO HYPER in fact. It's been long since i felt like this. Hyper. Like as if im back in secondary school and i noe im gonna meet Adek soon. Im crazy today but im trying to keep it in. Everyone already thinks im nuts. And im changed. I dun feel Adek-ish anymore. It's just different. Only Adek can get my stupid hyper-ness. And Sollihin. They're just the two pple that known me for so long and still love my hyperness. Even when i hate it myself. =) I love them both to bits.

So, lets see how have i been. Work have been temporary on hold because i really need to get myself back on track. Too much work makes my life goes to a sudden halt. So i decided to take two week "leave".. =) And im quitting RP touch to join blacks. So my schedule will be abit more flexible. So yeaps. I miss Mia and Saedah and Eunice though. All those other girls that i hyper-ed with during rugby training and the teteks still rule. =))

Im so hyper! I feel like i got so much emotions just waiting to burst out!! This is bad! I am on the verge of a break down I JUST KNOW IT!!!! Omg lah. I need to do something!! But i dunno what to do!!! This is nutsy. I need help badly. I told my smumkinbabsiespoops about it but he just doesnt know what to do! Lolol. plus even if he could, he couldn't!! Lol. He's going to work. Hmmmm, i guess i just gotta wait til Monday yeah? YEAH!!! For now, i have Kenneth, Rizza, and Jess and the rest of teh class to try to be patient with my nonsense. Ok. I feel better now after blogging. Less hyper active. I feel i can keep it in better. I wonder why i fedel like i got so many many things to say to everyone but i dunno where to start and WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO SAY?!?!!? Im so confused. Im so so confused. Please dun let this end up as me realising that i have been bottling things up recently and im turning emo. PLEASE! Emo is over-rated. =)

*WAIT TIL HE LAYS HIS FINGERS ON YOU. IGNORANCE IS BLISS*

I have never really given much thought to losing Farhan ever since the last time he laid his hands on me. But for the past two days i have been thionking. ABout everything. And yeah, i do miss some parts of him. But i felt like it was worth it. That i did the right thing, FINALLY!!! And i realise what the heel did i do to the people around me staying in a stupid wrong relationship for so long. Why? Why did i do it? I was so stupid. Gullible and naive. But i still am! Dammit. When will i ever learn? Wahahahahah.... Y'know what? Both of us just went our different way and now i KNOW both of us have moved on and we are leading our own respective lives. I still don't think i did the killing of our relationship, but i've come to terms that whats over is over and no point thinking so much about it. He can go using our relationship as an excuse to get new girls to victimise, but he himself knows only what he did. And those girls, if they know, are perfect for him. They like lying to themselves. And i wish them well. Wahahah..... NOT!!

OH ALRIGHTS! Stop about that already aite? Im going against my words. If i say im over him i should really be OVER OVER him. Haha. I was most of the time OVER him anyways...!! WHAHAHAHAH!! Just kiddin dudes. =) Haha. Aite. Im feeling rather horny today. Im gonna make everyone share the same dirrrrty thoughts as me!!! I DUN CARE!!! And yay! Im meeting Shaik and Saedah later second break~!!! Wooots! I feel like IR-ing. Should i? I dunno!!! Im suppose to stop!! The IR-ing and lessen the vulgarities. It's getting harder as i keep trying. AIYUH!!! Help ah. HELP!!!! HAha.

Ok lah. I got alot more nonsense to blog about but Kenneth is making a big fuss so yeah ill just stop. G'day to all! LOVES!

It's good. It's ALL good. Everything is all fine. No worries about me. Im fine. Everything's SORTED. I have no idea why i said that so many times. But it just sounded nice. Maybe im just lying to myself. But im all okay. There's really just alot of things on my mind. Okay. It's time to come clean. I feel a tad bit stressed. But anonymous ask me to post something good. Can i post a good sad post? Lololol... Skiddin'....

Btw i spend yesterday's afternoon with Adek. And it was great. It was her bday and i presented her her pillow gift. And she was happy. Was glad to make her smile. Then i treated her to LJS and bought her a slice of cake. Well bro was there too. So yeah. Had lotsa fun. Sent her home after that. Was glad she was so happy. She was the princess for the day and i treated her like a real princess lah. I hope i made her bday better. And yeaps. She seemed realy touched. =) She called me her best friend. And that just made everything worthwhile. After all these time she is still my best friend. And im proud to say it. =) I love her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's see. I heard a joke recently. Let me share it.

"One day, a guy had an accident.
So he saw a ladder and a sign that wrote 'climb to get wildest dream come true'
He was really curious, so he climbed up the ladder,
as he climbed up he was thinking of women,
plenty of sexy women.
When he reached the first level,
he saw a lady, but she wasn't as sexy as he imagined it to be.
He saw another sign, 'climb to success'.
he wanted to see what was success in their term so he went up.
at the next level he saw another sexy lady, this time better than the other.
But still he saw the same sign, 'climb to success'
So he climbed. At the third level he saw the sexiest lady he has ever seen!!!
But being a man, he wanted more.
He climbed higher.
And as he climbed he saw the most beautiful lady ever in level 4.
But still the ladder didn't stop there.
And he climbed higher.
AT THE NEXT LEVEL!!!
He saw a humongous bearded man with a huge dick!!!!
And then he saw another sign
"my name is CESS"...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haha. If you got what it meant. It means that he was climbing not to success but to SUCK CESS.
Haha. It's abit lame but i heard it from Fid. Lol. He just find it so funny which made me laugh. It wasn't really funny to me but the way he laughed at it made me laugh. But i think my joke about the train is still better. I'll tell that another time. =)

So, about Fid. Everyone is starting to ask me who is this Fid guy i've been talking about. And it's time to come clean about that too. LEt's see. Where do i start?? In such a short time i have grown to love another man. To care for another man, to actually forget about all the other jerks and give him another try. I know i have so many things against me that is unfair to him. Bcos of how my past went, it makes me afraid. Scared to actually love. Yes. Mandy... Is afraid. YEs. Thanks to a certain someone now im being cautious. VERY cautious. I feel Fid. I feel that he's different. That although i might have options now. That this is not an option. That i really just can't help but feel something different for him.

Hahaha. Ok ok. There's so many things that happened in such short notice. HE is my work supervisor. And HE is 21-year-old. And HE is really cute and nice and HE gets so manje sometimes. HE makes me feel loved all over again. HE listens to whatever crap i have to say. HE doesn't talk much. HE gives in too much to me. HE says he loves me and I love HIM. HIS name is Firdaus and HE stays at woodlands. HIS family is very nice to me and HE is really nice to me. HIS family is too nice! And HIS nieces are sooo cute. HIS mum is abit scary but THEY are all very nice. HE is going army soon and I am going to miss HIM! I dunno. He just does things to me that not alot of people can do since Farhan. He made me feel for a guy again. Like trust a guy. And i trust him. Even though i know in some ways, it's really hard to believe but i DO trust him.

He bought me my favourite chocolates when i was feeling down. He brought me out to jalan2 and buy my new bag and had a filling lunch. He listened to me rant and rave about absolutely nothing at all. He held my hands at the time that we screwed up and i got into trouble. He gave me the confidence to overcome whatever obstacles i might be going thru and he told me that love wasn't what i went thru. He made me realise that the "love" i had in the past was bullshit. That i really do deserve better and he knows he is better. And somehow, in someway, its obvious he is better. Way much better than Farhan in fact. Yeah, we have our differences. Like him always giving in to me and neglecting his own feelings and him always thinking that our relationship is all on him. And that he doesnt tell me alot of things. But it can all be SORTED. He doesn't hurt me in any way. Actually i dun think anyone can really hurt me very badly now. After that huge amount of hurt Farhan gave me, i think im almost immune to hurt for a period of time.

So yeaps. Fid. My baby poopsies. He's my hott supervisor boyf. And sometimes i know im underchanging him. But i wish i wasn't. Im really trying to give him what he deserve. Because Farhan didn't deserve all the things i gave him. And it's just not fair to Fid if bcos of what Farhan did i judge him. Time, in time, i will overcome this fear. I will. And im glad Fid understands. He just thinks its unfair and he doesn't want to ever bump into anyone that i've just mentioned. Lol. He's just really funny. My MATREP boyf. MY MATREP lil cutesies. Wahahah. Sounds so contradicting. Well, matrep have feelings too. =)

WORK! I have work today. And im suppose to count how many hours i worked. Cos i believe i was underpaid the previous cheque. But oh wells, let's just keep track of time from now on. Wahahaha. Work is alright. It's ghetting abit tiring but it's still just as fun. I met Vanessa. The coolest friend in town at work. AHhahahaah. We just chilled and talked so much about everything. Haha. And we plan to live there one day. Our dream place to stay. Room mates. We shall be, we will drink til our hearts content! Hahaha. And this world is all connected i swear. Vanessa is tessa's cousin. Tessa is kenneth gf. Kenneth is my classmate. Kenneth knows the rugby pple in my school. My rugby people knows me. And i know vanessa. And vanessa noes stef. And stef is clarissa's ex classmate. And clarissa is my brother's gf. And my brother knows stef. Who knows who is nicole. Who knows some of my school rugby people. And my school rugby people is gonna be pissed bcos im gonna quite touch. Hahahahahahahahah. Fuck. =)

Aite aite. Let's cut the crap. I've been so tired recently. I didnt even wanted to come to school today. But it's cognitive and it's supopse to be fun and i've already skipped Cognitive once or twice. shits. I feel so lazy. And my psp is my greatest companion when im alone. KING KONG is actually not that bad uh. It's quite an exciting game. I think the scary effect comes from the sound effect but its cool. I jump on my seat every time i play it. Hahaha. And i spout alot of vulgarities. haha. =) OOps! ;)

Okays. I really dun have much to blog about anymore. I just really miss my baby. And oh yah! Farhan is ACTUALLY NOT RUNNING AWAY ANYMORE! He has finally grown up and im so matha fuckin glad. He says he is waiting for his pay and that it will take some time. OKAY! I shall wait and see if i ever get my money back. =) FUck. I just fucking wish my money back lah. the love? BUANG sudah. Im so matha fuckin glad he's using our "broken love" as a tool to gain him pity and get girls. Well, if that's the way his life is, what can i do, even now he wants to use me as a tool to get to where he wants to go. Matha fuckin despicable matha fucka! IF only those girls knew the truth. How gullible they are.... Ignorance is bliss my dear. Ignorance is bliss. Wait till he lays his fingers on you. =)

Fuck. i didnt need to be lied to over and over again lah. When the fuck would this ever end lah? Do i look fucking gulible to you!! Just in case you dunno, its called trust. And you just misused it lah fuck. Now dun use that fucking apologetic tone with me cos you know urself you dun like it when i do that. Now its happening. Thx for being the greatest lah. MAn of your word, MY FUCKING ARSE!!!

Im so pisse doff lah. The day started so well just for it to be fucked up by liars who lie to me like im some gullible fuck. Cb. Go look in the mirror lah cb. First thing i stated alr. Lies is something i wun tolerate. FUCK lah. Then now you come and tell me you know ill be angry. Which makes it worse because you know yet you do it. Stupid mother fcuking puss. Argghhhhh!! BINGIT AH AKU!!!!

cb. So? I didnt wake you up. Yeah. You wanna go out party on a fucking weekday knowing tmr you gotta wake up early. Whats the point of me putting in an effort when you dun?!?! Dun depend on me every fucking time to wake you up. Im not your fucking alarm clock. Yah. Good lah you didnt slp and you're all fucking tired now. serve you right. Now you say it's lucky you didnt go home. Yeah. We'll see how lucky it is when you finally realise you piss me fucking off lah k? Thx for nothing lah. Thx for being a great jerk in such short notice.

Arrghhhh i terribly need to rant. How do i say this??! I AM FUCKING PISSED OFF!! DUN MESS WITH ME FROM NOW ONWARDS. Work is gonna suck bigg time today. Fuck it.

Hmmm, school's being another bore today. Somehow i cant find interest in school lah. Yeah. The friends are fine. Still the same. I think i changed. I think it's me. It's always me. I change too much. Why? I don't know. So many shits happening recently lah. How do i put this into words?

I miss my hott pootsies bartender-cum-supervisor baby tootsies. Yeah. I really do think he's hott lah. I dunno how come i manage to dapat sucha hott dude. But to me, he's uber hott. Like when i look at him, and i imagine if i just saw him on the streets. He's the kind that i would take a second glance at. Im so glad i met my grumpy. He was so sweet today. I had no cash for school cos yeah, lotsa stuff. Then he slipped some cash in my bag for me to have lunch. I told him not to lah, i really didnt know he did that. Haiyah. So sweet lah that poopsiedoos. I miss him so much. Hope he's doing okay at work now. Hopefully he remembers to take his panadol. Haiyah. I wish i have him with me here now lah. He's really so cute lah. Grumpy yet cute old man. Always being so manje and all. Hahaha... But yeah. this love seems so forbidden. but why then am i still sucked up in this? Hmmm... sometimes i wonder.... =)

So yeaps. Just had lunch with Kenneth and the rugby peeps. I got squashed by Owen in the lift. They pushed him really hard and he squashed me. It kinda did hurt lah. Cos i hit my head against the lift wall and the sharp point of my wallet poked my babat. =( But they all had fun just pushing and shoving around so yeah. the babat part still hurts. Hahaha.... Owen said he almost killed me. Wahahaha!! I like the way they always jump on Owen like he's some giant. Looks damn fun lah. Hahaha....

Im so full. I really should stop eating. Im getting fatter and fatter. But yeah. What's the point. I fat or slim also ugly. Haiyah. Sad sia. lol... Whatever lah. So be it. At least im not a fat slut. Wahahaha..... Ok i miss grumpy. =(

there's rugby training later and yeah. it's been a long time i exercised so hopefully i don't die halfway through. I don't think ill be able to join blacks now. Looking at how packed my days are thanks to work school and rugby. I think joining contact at blacks must wait. Maybe i should quit touch in Rp then go join blacks. then work on the days where touch is suppose to be. Lol.. Sounds like a plan uh? Lol... =) We'll see lal. contact sounds and looks more fun than touch.

Okays. Guess i gotta go do work now. OH YAH! I miss my friends. ADEK!!! VGS!!!! SOLLIHIN MHD NOH!!!! I miss them, all!! LOGEN HARRIS AIS!!!! Everyone lah. Been so long since we got in touch lah. And anonymous, thx for your comments everytime. Appreciate it alot. Really.. So yeaps. TC ALL!! Stay hype! =)

Hmmm, its really late. Over here. Just not being able to sleep. Just finished my RJ. Work was nice today although i felt retarded cos i kept vomitting out whatever food i ate. I seriously think im getting sick. With the drinking, the IR-ing and the late nights and work and all. It's gonna kill me lah. But work is so worth it. I got my first pay today and YEAH!!! I am so fucking happy. I wanna go buy stuff. Yeah of course im gonna save. Name i mandy pe. =)

So yeaps. It's cool All's SORTED.... School's been fine. The Genting trip was alright. The outdoor theme park was great. the only time i had fun there except the second night when i won 90 ringgit from my dad playing cards. Lol.. So yeah. Nth much. I did kinda enjoy myself lah. Except a few moments at the back of the car when i felt so fucking emo. I dunno why lah. It's conflicts after conflicts with my family and i feel so out of place. I guess everyone will just say its my fault. Yeah. It's all my fault. Im the black sheep. Im always the odd one out. fuck it.

Just had satay with Fid and family. So yeah. Not bad. Got it from AA. That place remind me so much lah. Fuck it. Yishun. I hate that place. Together with woodlands. Yeah. Farhan says he's gonna return me my money in about 1 and a half more week. We'll see lah k. I bet he will run away from it lah. He will never noe how to save enough money to just return any of it to me. So yeah. It's abit stupid lah. He promised at least 50 bucks. So lets all bet on whether or not he will keep to his promise. Wahahahahah.... I bet he wun. ;)

There's really alot of thing on my mind right now butu i just cant seem to put a finger on whats really bothering me. It's eating me up from inside and i cant take it. It's just so torturing. I need to just do something. It's really frustrating lah. The worse is i cant do anything about it bcos i dun even noe what the fuck it is that is bothering me. Bleah. Wtv. I dun think i should blog any longer. I think Im pmsing again. WTF@!!