FUCKING BORING I SWEAR IN CLASS! My maths faci has nthing to do and he doesn't even talk much. You know what? fuck it. Not like its our fault if he allows us to slack.

I WANT TO!!! I WANT TO BUT I CAN'T!! I KNOW I CAN'T BUT I DUNNO WHY!!??!!? I WANT IT!! I WANT THE SAME FREAKING THING AS YOU BUT I CAN'T AND I CAN'T TELL YOU BCOS THEN YOU WUN UNDERSTAND EITHER!! I HAD TO! I WANNA CALL. I WANNA TALK!! I WANNA HAVE FUN! But i have to stop.... Sigh. This is what i feel for a certain situation now. Sucks like hell. Im confused. So contradicting these feelings. So schizo. So effed.

Hmmm, not a good week for me. Started school and everything dawned on me. I need a fucking break. Work isn't doing good. Im not getting VERY close to the $1000 goal. Doesnt seem like i will anytime soon. And im wearing out. School is boring. class is boring. I miss W45D. I WANT w45d. I want my babies back. =( Fuck lah. Damn sian lah i swear. I prolly just wanna isap my way thru class. IR i mean. Bukan isap konek. =p And this classmate of mine asked if i IR just now. I thing the smell got to her. So i ate Eclipse and i sprayed some perfume. Haha. Shites. =)

Recently, i feel quite serene. Like, maybe lonely? I dunno. I keep walking. And walking. And things flash pass me. And i remember. And i think. And i read back. And i try to remember how it felt. But i can't. So i cry. I keep trying to remember how it felt like. I walk. And i walk and i try. And i listen to songs. Then i remember promises, words, oaths, that didnt come true. Then i feel like shit. Then i tell myself to fuck it all. It's all over. But after a few minutes they flash in my mind. Unwillingly they came to me. I tried to push it away. The more i tried the more i failed. So i cried. Fuck crying. I didn't cry lah. Just teared maybe. MAYBE??

Okay. Im bored and its breaktime again. No where to go. Nothing to do. I want...... to...... DIE! No lah. Haha. I want to meet adek. And i wana meet hairrs and logen. And i wanna just eat ice cream and talk. Or drink ice blended coffee and chit chat. Or maybe just teh ka-tai and IR. =( I want things i dun even noe i want. CB. What am i talking!?!? Fuck. Bad day to blog. Im sorry. And yah. Ok anonymous. Im not puasa-ing. No mood to puasa anyways. Just fuck it all. And ahris!!!!! What you talking what previous post? What you dutch? Shuddup lah harris iskandar tan chee keong!! Lol....

Bye.

Wanna know who i think is damn fucking hott? The guy who acted in STEP UP. And there's another guy i thought of last night. But i forgot. DAMN! Really damn fucking hott. Turn me on like the flame on your stove. I watched STEP UP on my psp last night cos i couldn't sleep. Slept at 5am i think. Haha. Well ANYWAYS!!! The guy, i dunno his name. BUT DAMN HOTT LAH!!! I swear, white, and damn hott. OH!!! I know who's the other guy already!! THE NEW LEAD singer i think. IN CLICK FIVE! I know, the band kinda suck. But seriously. That hott emo-lookalike is damn HOTT! I mean i saw him in the video of their new song JENNY. He looks damn hott. Like that hott guy i once saw at BrusselsSprouts. Super damn hott lah can. I tell you, i dun mind sia, one night stand also angkat only sia! Ok. Maybe not. Turn over new leaf. =)

I mean, they are just damn hott lah fuck. Swear i just wanna meet them. Like how some of you guys look at vannessa anne hudgens, beyonce, or whoever. you guys start drooling. THIS!! THIS TWO MEN MAKE ME WANNA DROOL FROM PLACES YOU DUN EVEN KNOW CAN DROOL! Lolololol.. that sounds fucking wrong. but so be it. They're hott enough in my book to make me sound ALL wrong. *smirk* Lol. OMG! Im going nuts lah fuck. OK. Puase. chills with the vulgarities. =)

Hmmmm, month of Ramadan. Puasa. Im trying doing it for the whole month. Since Khalis told me to try doing it for one month. and i think i only succeeded days of puasa last year. Well, lets just try.

Im feeling all bored at home today. Really. I need to fidn something to do except sleep on my days that i dun work or have school. MY LEISURE TIME!! I have nobody to spend it with. I wanna spend it with my family. But most of the time they're just tired, or working. OR whatnots. I dun wanna go scandaling ard. But its kinda tempting..... especially when they all ajak me out. And everyone else BUT them are busy. COME ON MAN!!!! ASK ME OUT!!! GIRLS!!! MANDY NEEDS YOU!!!! MANDY WANTS TO GO OUT WITH GIRLS NOW!!! NO MORE GUYS!!!! HELP ME OUT WILL YA??

sigh. I dunno what kinda mood im in right now. PROLLY..... BORED!!!! I wanna watch a movie. In a theatre. It's ben awhile. Sigh. I feel like fucking that goal of $1000. And just living life. Haiyah. Fuck work work work. Im only 17 sia cb. even kenneth dun work so much. Maybe he's better at saving than i am. SIgh. Fuck lah. I want that goal. I wanna reach iit. To prove to myself i can. But its wearing me out. Determination? MY ARSE! I feel like ust fucking it over. How? comments on that anyone?

Why ask... ? I know wats the answer. chase after it if its truly wat you want. Follow wat you want, so long it makes you happy. WHY OH WHY DO I KNOW ALL THESE SHIT? It gets tiring sometimes, to hear the same things from others, the things you tell yourself. Fshcakes. =( I want a shoulder. Not to cry on though. Just to rest. Maybe a hug. I want friends.True friends. I dun even know wat that means. fuck.

SORRY, BLAME IT ON ME -AKON

As life goes on
I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that
I've done things that haven't occurred yet
and things that they don't want to take responsibility for

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I'm sorry for the times that I had to go
I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me

I'm sorry for the times I would neglect
I'm sorry for the times I disrespect
I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done
I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons
I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can't sleep at night when I am not there
Because I'm in the streets like everyday

I'm sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain

And you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn't know what to do
I'm sorry that you had to go and sell those bags
Just trying to stay busy until you heard from dad
When you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though pops treated us like kings
He got a second wife and you didn't agree
He got up and left you there all alone

I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own
I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief
I'm sorry that your son was once a thief
I'm sorry that I grew up way to fast
I wish I would of listened and not be so bad
I'm sorry that your life turned out this way
I'm sorry that the feds came and took me away

I understand that there's some problems
And I'm not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it's just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain

And you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I'm sorry that it took so long to see
But they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I'm sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani
I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say
Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you
And you can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
You can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song just touches somewhere deep inside i dunno where. Like makes me feel sorry. Sorry for all the things that i did, didn't do, and about to do. for every fucking mistake i make, made and going to make. sorry to anyone who it affects. Especially to those that loves me and those that i love. The first time i heard this song. I was in the car with my dad. and it made me cry. I had to hide. My dad was talking on the phone to his colleague. And i had to hide. Bcos it was, so lame? To cry out of a sudden. I wanted to tell my dad im sorry for everything. But again, AGAIN! I didnt have the guts to even open my mouth to say anything close to "feelings". I felt bad. And that song made it worse for me bcos im sorry I AM sorry i grew up to fast, and now i dun even dare look my dad in his eyes and say i love him. Although its true, beyond all truth. But i dare not. My guts get stuck in my throat the moment my feelings wanna open up to him. sigh.

cindy blogs about my blog. How cute. Well, i apologise to her about giving two different answers to that question. Because. Now, i talk, without thinking most of the time. RP has ruined me. And im gonna repeat that everytime i do something stupid. =))

I just realise, that there is a HIGH chance that there is TWO anonymous on my blog. Why would one anonymous tag two times? I dun get it. I really dun think im that scary to love. AM i? I asked adek. She said yes! She said im scary to love. Because when you love me bad things just tend to happen. Is that true? Am i jinxed to be love? No anonymous, its not your(s)? fault that i feel this way. So many things happened that make me thing its just plain ol scary to love me. I know, sometimes i tend to be, abit on the cranky and crazy side. But am i really scary to love? Im so sorry.

IF anyone of you think that i wun appreciate the love you shown to me, then i think you guys dunno who you're loving. Cos which motha idiot would reject love? Not me, not now. I mean, love, pure love. not love with a motive of bedding me. not love with the motive of marrying me. Love, the kind that when i feel like shit, i see you running coming to gimme a hug kinda love. To put down your PSP/gameboy/mp3 and run to me, just to tell me things are gonna be fine. Love, like love....... y'know? why would i reject that? why keep mum about caring for a person? It doesnt scare me, and it doesnt bother me. but after SO MANY pple are doing it. It made me think. And if you know me well enough, i tend to judge myself before i judge others. AM I SCARY TO LOVE?!?!!?!? AM I A LOUSY CANDIDATE FOR LOVE?? Fishcakes.... =(

Im sick. had a fever. Having a bit of a sore throat. body aching everywhere. I think im growing old. FUCK I WANT MY $1000 NOW!! Then i can relax abit. Sigh. Why is having a goal and working towards it so difficult? cb. =( and i DO think about going back to drinking. I DID! I WANT TO! but i cant. My goal. My life. I cant just throw it away. Haiz. To have to choose, between something that harms me, but puts some of my sadness away. And something that takes my sadness away SOMETIMES, adds fatigues to my life, and doesnt harm me. WHAT DO I CHOOSE? CB. I dunno what im talking also.

Recently, images of Farhan and I keep flashing to myself. Everywhere, everytime. I miss that feeling we had. WE HAD! CB WE HAD!!! Why must it be we had! Not we have. Minus of the beatings, the anger, the flings, the other shitty stuff. It was actually the closest things to "BGR love" that i ever felt. Okay call it puppy love, wtv you call it. But puppy love wun let me down like this, will it? I want that feeling, minus of the bad shitty things. I know, im selfish, im greedy, im sorry. I want that back. Not farhan lah. I want that feeling. I miss it. Miss doing nice things for no god damn reason. Miss trying to do lil surprises. Miss them nice things all. MISS MY ARSE LAH MANDY!!! FUCK AWAY LAH.cb.

I should stop dating guys with the initial "F". They tend to screw me up good. Maybe what jeff said is true. I should try dating other race. My own race to start with. everyone been trying to tell me that. HOW LAH HOW??? Maybe i should just stop dating. YAH! Exactly. adek would love that. Stop dating mandy. date yourself, love yourself. Yah. fuck if life is so simple, go live it for me and see. AHH! WHAT?!?!?1 AM!?!?!? I !?!?!? TALKING?!?!?! ABOUT?!?!?! cb.

ANGER! Oh anger has gotten the better of me today. I fake too much. I fake way too much when im bored. Goodnight people. Goodnight mandy. Goodnight sweethearts. I still love you guys. Thx fo rthe comments. I'll have good days and good rests! godd day to ya'all. Bye.

You know i just realised the answer to one of Cindy's question. She asked "Mandy, tell me the secret why you can act so happy?" Then its simple. I kept myself busy. Because only recently did i find out, when im looking after gramma at her place, i have some alone time to myself. And thats when some of that lingering sadness hits me. Like a bloody donkey i didn't know what to do, except cry. I don't know where these emotions came out from. But it did. So what the heck. I've been working, and schooling, and when im not im drinking in the past. And i spend most of my time just hiding so many of these emotions away even i didnt realise. Now that i've stop alot of the drinking and start being less busy, i guess these emotions are waiting to burst out. Dammit. I shouldn't have stopped. I hate these emotions. Gets me down all the time. Wish it didn't.

Ok. did i mention about my dad's bday? YEah. I almost forgot about it. But in the end me and my brother bought a trophy kinda thing for him. Engraved on it is "ALEX LOW CHAMPION DAD". I really hope he likes it. Spend quite abit on that. =) Oh wells. Happy bday dad.

Oh and on that day. adek had a date. And she insisted i follow along so she has the courage to meet up with him. Well i followed cos i needed to get the present anyways. And yeah. I had a real good time with her. =) Bought this magnet necklaces that wrote best friends. Really cool. but im allergic to fake jewellery so i had to change the "silver" necklace to a string one i have at home. It looks quite cool though. Haha. Ibathe with it. I wonder if the magnet would spoil. ?? Lol. Im a retard at science. Or is this common knowledge? damn. RP has RUINED me. OH! Talking about school. Starting next week. Im in class W45B. No difference actually. dun see any difference since its just 2 classes away from my previous class. ken and riz all got different blocks. I got the most boring change of class. Might as well have been the same damn class. Haha. Im sad though. That we're all blocks apart. =( Oh wells, at least we're iin the same school compound. =)

dun feel like blogging much. Maybe i feel like drinking. I dunno. Maybe make a coffee or something. Haha. Bryan made a two page book by himself just now. Entitled DESSERTS. He drew ice cream, ice kacang, waffle, and some other things. Coconut i think! Lol. Damnfunny. Then at the back he wrote thank you for reading. Lol. I dun see any reading going on since he just drew those things and wrote whatever they are below. So i guess that's a good try for a book. HEY! Who knows. He might be the next JK rowling. Maybe i should start sucking up to him now. Since he's gonna end up a multi millionaire if his book becomes a best seller!! Hahaha... DESSERTS. Hmmmm. Reminds me of VGs. Adek and i had our ice kacang that day. I STILL HAD LOTSA ATAPCHI!!! The woman loves me i swear! Nothing to do with the red beans!!! BLEAH~

=) alrights. Will go now. Gnitw everyone. Mandy loves you. =)

OKays. here's to another post! cheers! Lol. Im just kidding. Im not drinking. In fact, i don't drink so much anymore. I cant even remember the last time i drank. I mean, i THINK it was last week. But what's the ever lah ey? =)

SO! Watsup with you guys? Doing good i hope? This holiday see me catching up with Adek quite abit. Im so glad i met her a couple of times this week. Really meant alot to me. We still can joke around and talk like normal. Which gave me the courage to start life afresh because i thought that with the kind of people i hang around with lately, i think ill most probably end up a big time slut sooner or later. Adek's innocence brought me back. Sometimes i wish i had some of Adek's virtue. think that would make me a much better person. but then again i know adek would say "sometimes I wish I had some of your character." Thing is, everyone just have their own goody pointies. =)

I gues syou all can tell that im in a pretty good mood today. Let me tell you why. On Monday, and also for today, it was my duty to look after my grandparents. So i did. And i had to wake up early in the morning to do that. Can't get much sleep considering the fact i was talking to shaik til 5am in the morning. So yeah. But i decided to cook for the past two days. I cooked for them. And surprisingly they didn't complain ANYTHING about the food! Mama even said "i dunno" as she laughed when i asked her "so how? i cook nice anot?" and that was in a good way! Bcos way back i think they would have said this is too salty, or i dunno how to cook. But they ate! I didn't even have to ask mama to eat. She just ate! A whole bowl of rice! HA! I bet if i cook for her everyday her gastric would go away. Wahahaha. I think im getting over-confident. Seriously, i didnt think they would even eat pass 3 mouthfuls of my food. But both yeye, and mama ate a whole bowl of them. I feel accomplished. I feel as if i won something. Is this the feeling you get when you see your grandparents eating healthily and happy? Especially when they so sick, and they're so weak, yet they eat your food. It feels like a lil bit of heaven when i saw her smile today.

I told Adek about it, and per normal we joked about the whole issue. decided to name my "future restaurant" MR DINO! Wahahaha! And ill be the chef. Adek will be the waitress. Lol... lame shits. Then i told my mum about it. And she said i was sweet. She said they appreciate all i've done. =) Ima happy girl today because of all that. And also because its moments like this i feel loved and appreciated. =) Thanks alot. to those who love me no matter what. I appreciate it. Really. even if i dun even noe your name yet. *thinks "i knew i loved you before i met you"*

Awrights. Work has been heeluva ride. Sometimes i enjoy working at Brussels so much. But sometimes i absolutely hate it. Not because its tiring. Because i KNOW EVERY WORK is tiring. But because of some of the things that are happening there. And sometimes its the people too. MAYBE, just MAYBE some of them are hypocrites and MAYBE they're quite bias. And sometimes i really just feel like leaving Brussels to find another job. But then, i dun really like job hopping. I think my mum would agree with me on that. I really don't know. Anyways, fuck that. Im getting my pay tmr!! YAY!!! Can't wait!!! =))

Ohkays.So let's see. My holidays is mostly spent looking after my grandparents and working. There's really not much for me to study. I think RP is gonna kill my future. Or maybe IM the one killing my own future. Fuck. Im meeting Kakak Yati tmr. Just for lunch or maybe a movie or something. I went to tutor Aishah the other day and i was surprised that all of them were still so welcoming of me. They really treated me like as if im one of them and i felt nice. I felt good. But the only spoiler part is that, Fid and I can never have that kind of life because he will never compromise his party life to actually GROW UP! Why oh why do i love immature guys all the time? I need to put some criterias into action, like SERIOUSLY! lol. But i thank all of Fid's family for treating me with so much hospitality. I really appreciate them. Especially aisha. So young, so smart, but nobody's just giving her that right kind of attention and encouragement to study well. I wish she would do us proud in her streaming this year. Oh and she cried again, thinking that i would forget all about her and her family once i found someone new. But i promised her i wouldn't. And i hope i keep to that promise. Sometimes, being around fid or things/people that reminds me of him kinda makes me think a whole lot. And right now im someone who hate sto think alot. =) Laziness is NOT a virtue. =)

So many things happened with Cas, Sadah and Shaik and everyone else too. But im glad its almost all over and that we cleared things up.I feel really guilty towards Shaik because i hurt him. Alot i think. But i really still do wanna be friends with him and i wish he understands. Adek says that i should stop scandaling. but the fact is im not even trying to scandal. someway somehow it just happens. And before i know it either im hurting someone or im being hurt. I dun mean to scandal. I dun mean t hurt anyone and obviously i dun look to get hurt. But it happens anyways. Any advice on that?

Oh talking about that. Im amazed. Everytime anonymous tags, she/he tags with something that potentially brightens up my day. He/she is probably a very happy person and i really hope he/she REALLY is happy. I would wanna know who he/she is so i can thank him/her personally. Or maybe just have a talk. We can exchange experiences first hand and give each other comforting hugs. But i guess she/he put her name anonymously had a reason. But i would appreciate if she/he told me. I dunno what's there to lose. Because i would only respect you. Adn make friends if we arent already frens. Have i done something so bad that you're afriad to make frens with me in the open? Haha. Thanks for caring darl. I really like your comments. I ALWAYs check my blog for your comments. And i hope this is one happy enough post for you to read. =)

G'DAY EVERYONE! REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFOR EYOU LOVE ANY OTHER PERSON. COS THEY CAN LEAVE YOU BUT YOU CANT! =) Love you guys. =)