You know.... sometimes you try and try but it seems useless...
Every fucking step of the fucking way, there's a stupid fucked up bad news waiting for you. It's either waiting to happen or waiting to be told. Like a game of life. A fucked up sadistic version. That every step or number you roll, you fall into a trap hole, or maybe a death pit, or some shit that makes you feel like crap. I mean i wish there was a step that would make me lose a turn forever, because then i dun have to play this sadistic game ever. But apparently in THIS game, you have to go on., and on and on. Get spiked, get poked at, get slashed, get beaten up. Until you reach the death pit, which is right at the end.
Maybe there's a way i can skip my punishment for the next round. But so far, i havent found any yet.... Maybe i've skipped a few tries, or i've used up my chances. Bcos everything seem to be faliing apart one by one now. That every step i take i get something bad happening around me or to me. Really.... This has got to stop.... Seeing everything crumble and fall around you is worse off than having myself crumble and fall. Is like sucking up all the faith and hope i have of every little good thing that exists. How do i become the last one standing when i dun have any more faith or hope that good things lasts?
I don't mean to be emo and cry or anything. But seriously, im not handling this well. This is not how i saw it to be.This is not how anyone saw it to be. And this is not how i WANT it to be. I lost tooo much too soon. So little time for me to deal with the pain of the previous lost, before you hit me with another. Please. if any of you who loves me is reading this. Cover my eyes and ears. I dun want any more bad news and i dun wanna see it all crumble and fall. Enough.... is fucking enough.... I maybe older and wiser or stronger and smarter. But im definitely not pain tolerant. Not when it comes to the things and the people i love. So please.... Stop this sadistic evil game that you're playing. Im not your fucking toy.
Wanna know why i cry? WHy i feel like crap? Cos im afraid. Im afraid of losing anymore stuff that i hold close to my heart. And i see everything fading and im afraid im the one thats letting it fade. I cry not bcos i blame you for making it like shit because im afraid to admit and to be proven that i am the one that is causing all this and letting it happen. Im afarid to be told that if i'd had done something about it, this wouldnt be happening. im afraid of being the culprit of my own misery. And im afraid of being proven right. that good things ends fast, and never lasts. So, im not angry. im afraid.
Life is never fair.... I dun intend for it to be and i dun ask for it to be fair. Just stop teasing me. I feel like maybe this is a game show. to see how strong i am. What do i win? Havent i proven enough? Please just gimme a break now. would really be a good time for it.... I gotta go now. Got my PP presentation to do. Really not in the mood. Why now? WHy must i know only now, right before i go for my big project presentation. oh yah. and happy halloween..... =( Im nurse mandy today and brussels sprouts.
I had a bad dreaam while sleeping in class today. I woke up with tears. and i felt like crying then i realised all around me are my classmates. I had a bad bad dream. I still feel upset about it. I swear i hate her... I hate that i believe ill lose all my good things over the fact that good things does last. I hate that i believe in bad dreams more than in good dreams. Im a pessimist. I hate that... I don't wanna lose anymore. everything good and nice i have turns out bad or not mine at all... I need this... Please don't take anymore away from me.... Its enough... Im left with nothing anymore... Not much left to mention.... Please... No more....
I've been having bad dreams. Everynight.... About love. About family. About my mama. About so many things. About friends. about guys. Really... I wish i didnt rmb my dreams. Or i wish like Allen, i don't have any dreams. My bad dreams are starting to get to me.. Ididnt use to believe in this dreams until these dreams started to make me feel... Feeling = emotions. emotions = mandy gives up. My emotions rule me.
Im going Thailand soon. Just a thought. What if its a one way ticket to a loooong holiday? you know? What if i went to thailand and there's a robbery and i get shot and die? Or what if theres the riot thingy and those people kill me? I wouldnt mind that. But then, everyone else will... so i hope... it happens... Really... I still have sadistic thoughts in my head everyday now. Especially the train. Very very scary but very tempting. everytime i wait for it to come and look as it zooms pass me and count the seconds where i can jump and get hit by a moving train. Cool or whaaat.... and sometimes when i turn to look out for cars, i wish i didnt and i turn back and just walk... hoping a speeding car will come.... If you cannot tell yet.. Im sick of life... Im weak and i wanna die....
how lah how... stupid dream.. I hate Toa payoh lorong 5 now. I hate any existent drink that is called RED FISH now. and i hate her... I hate that im a loser when it comes to security and i hate that i believe in bad things more than i believe in the good. Nothing good ever lasts. Allen is too good to be true. something bad is bound to happen. Don't tell me the bullshit that if i keep saying it will, it will... cos it just fucking will... god knows i dun deserve good things. He's just pplaying with me. Sadistic bast.... Im like a matha fuckin toy ... he likes it when i get something and have it for a moment than i lose it. Or finds out its not what i thought it was... Knn.. Ill shut up now... class is boring... bye....
I freakin' CANNOT WAIT for the stupipd one week holiday. And then freakin hell i got my PP poster presentation. And im not even halfway done. Crap... I really dun wanna flunk this shit man.... CB....
I think im so useless... i know what i need to do. but im just not so sure i wanna do it. But then i wanna succeed.. Stupid stupid person. if you wanna succeed gotta do things right? yet im lazy and stupid and idiotic cos i dun wanna do it. Life isnt always a bed of roses MANDY!!! Fuck you.
Sorry im really going thru a very weird self-hate period now. I wanna chg but i dunno how. And i dunno where to start. and i dunno what to chg so i wun chg the whole me. I dun wanna be a total different person. I just wanna be better as ME..? I dun even noe what the fuck that means. Cb.
Sigh... forget it. Anyway ill be going Thailand soon. with my mum, my aunt and my cousin. Hope it turns out a good holiday. Im so gonna miss my baby pampering me. and i dunno... Its just not the same without him lah. For about 10 months we've been together almost every single day. Except when he went for reservice and his sabah trip... So i guess this time its my turn to be away. Haha... Let's see how he deals with missing me man(if he even misses me..)... When i miss him during those time, he says its nothing just awhile only... 2 weeks nia he say wun be long. but he forgets that with the feeling of missing him two weeks become 2months. So lets see how my 4 days be for him... I think he's much more independant lah. so its a easy job for him. I on the other hand is very dependant on that smartypants. Who knows.. we'll see....
I went clubbing for awhile with Vanessa vert and one of their friend. So we went DBL O. Was okay lah... ladies night so free entry free drinks. Not bad.... Left after awhile cos My "boss" finish work liao... Before clubbing we went Tanglin mall for steamboat. Was ot bad quite nice. But i prefer steamboating at home cos its cheaper and got that special "yeye recipe" chilli... Haha... =) I miss steamboating with my mama... =(
Ok. gtg.. bye.
Look at you
Aware and afraid
Look at you
Feeling so strayed
Nobody told us life would be this way
Nobody said you'll live everyday
Even if they did,
would you have cared to listen?
Seems like everything's falling apart
Why everything suddenly look so ugly
Across, they look happy
I can only remember that look, oh so vaguely.
But we're here,
Way behind where they stand
Maybe we're getting there, soon...
Maybe we're near..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't know what 's that just felt lik writing a poem but it turned out funny. QUite emo these past few days. Feeling like every step of the way somewhere something is going wrong. And just when i see the light somebody gets there before i do and then darkness overcomes again. (maybe its the jingaros)
I don't know. I try to be strong. To be someone my dad/mum would be proud of but sometimes its just so difficult to try and try and then keep falling back. and still pretend, with a smile on my face that im okay. Im getting cranky grumpy and angered and sad, almost all the time. It's been affecting my relationship the most and everyone around me.
Im just so sick and tired to trying and trying and trying and trying for who? they say try only for yourself. I don't see the motivation in there because right now i hate the crap outta myself. I try i fail i try i fall. there must be something im doing wrong somewhere. But then again nobody know because i've been trying to figure that out but i never seemed to get it right, again... Life's a bitch and this months? life's been more than just a bitch. Maybe god's watching me and punishes me for critisizing his creation of life. But fuck look at the life you've given me. Perfect. Why don't you perfect it one last time, and send me a truck. A truck to run me over with. Or maybe just shout in anger and shoot me with lightning or something. that'll just complete this whole perfect project you've been working with, GOD..
Im losing it. For about a year i took it easy and it was nice. Longest period of time i felt truly happy. I thought i the luckiest girl ever for 10 months. Like everything went smoothly and i had things people didnt have. But then, now? its taken away from me again. Or maybe i threw it away. OR maybe both.... The longest lasting bliss, happiness i've had since i remember. Im grateful for the 10 months. The person that should take most of the credit should be my boyf for making me the happiest girl alive to have him. And then my family for having kept happy for so long and now, not so much. And friends? There's not much left worth to mention....
Eevrything seem to take a wrong turn and i just cant control these fucking emotions. Have never been able to and the future doesnt seem very promising. Everyday now i think about killing myself. Or so i prayed for bad things to happen to me. I don't even pray for good things. I just pray for bad things not to happen to my loved ones most of the time. And recently i've been praying for bad things to happen to me. When i cross the road, when im waiting for the train, when i look down from somewhere high, when i walk in the rain, when i touch an electric wire with wet hands, when i hold the knife to my hands i prayed for courage to DO IT. I prayed for al the wrong things. Go ahead judge me, tell me im wrong, not like i don't know it already.
How many times does one person gotta pick themself up before they stand tall and walk on? It took about a year for a baby to learn to stumble and walk. It takes a giraffe lesser time to learn to use those long flimsy legs. How long does it take for the legs(pillars) of life to get strong and steady? Cos i've been learning i've been trying, i've been falling. But everytime i feel like this is it, im gonna walk tall from now on, i fall again. Maybe there's something wrong with me that people cant see, or maybe they're not telling. Something so wrong that nobody can fix, not even myself. Maybe i'm just finding excuse for my miseries. Maybe im not even miserable at all, maybe its just PMS. I don't know.... fuck....
forget it... Selamat hari raya to my muslim friends. have a happy life.
