This is me. Call me CRAZY.

Just watched P.S I Love You at home.
First and foremost, now im lusting for some irish men...
Secondly, the song... So beautiful..
So beautiful it makes me sad.

So beautiful i wanna dedicate it to the man i still love even after its been awhile...
Cried like a baby when i watched the show.
If you could love me like how Holly loves Gerry,
I dont mind dying young.
Sigh... What a load of shit...
I planned out so many things to blog about...
But now... All i can think of is sad thoughts and all the shit that comes along with it.

CNY wasnt fruitful at all..
Just like the new year.
Brought nothing new to my life.
And showed me nothing new...
Just reminded me of how ill ALWAYS be looking for something..
Something in the nothing that i live in...
and that makes me a sad sad person...

Well, work starts tomorrow.
DREADFUL... never dreaded school as much as i dread work...

Sigh...
Ive done many thinsg that can be classified as regretful..
But i think so far..
Nothing beats screwing up my relationship with Allen.
Cos it has dragged on so long and everyday i still find reasons why i still want/need to love him.
Other than those days when i was younger,
when i quarrelled with my mum or brother and wished them to die.
I think the regret and the guilt... for that...
Can share number one spot with the regret and guilt..
that i feel for screwing up with Allen.
and no fucking thing is gonna change that...

Im getting so sick and tired of seeing relationship around me turn sour..
I wanna tell them so bad...
that just hold on...
Hold on hard even when times are bad...
even if you feel like they're not good enough for you..
hold on even if you think you're so sick of them...
Hold on because if you don't...
And he/she is the one that you find out you truly love...
Then you regret...
And that regret doesnt go away...
It may hide itself from time to time as your drown yourself in trying so hard to be happy...
But then this regret will come and it will remind you...
That your whole life...
You didnt, and never...
learnt how to settle...
Settle... and be contented...
Because you will learn... either way...
That regret... Is a very painful process...

Cos regret comes along with many other pains in life...
Like being out of love...
Like loneliness...
Like heart break...
sometimes your heart tempts you...
To do things you think its right and you wont regret it..
But when your brain kicks in after you've followed your heart?
You realised your heart was a whore...
Made you say and do so many silly thinsg to the one you love...
But then? Its too late...

Sigh... Big fucking... Sigh....
Valentine's Day is coming...
And i was really successful in not thinking about it...
until Yesterday when i saw Bread talk selling heart shaped bakeries...
And i walked past the florist...
And i remember the last Valentines day i spent with someone special..
And then i remember the first time i spent valentines day with Allen..
We spent it at work...
And the last hour of it...
We spent it arguing...
Another regret...

You realise how silly you've been...
Only when you lose the person you were silly with...
I thought i was so right...
I thought every step and every request i had was totally reasonable..
I had excuses for everything i wanted and expected...
I had a million things to say to turn the tables around when i was wrong...
When all i should have said is "Im sorry..."
And mean it... Not "Im sorry but...."
But just "Im sorry and I love you... I dont want to fight".
But instead when we fight..
I will have a million things to say and make you feel so small...
Like you made the biggest and stupidest mistake anyone could make...

God dammit...
I really thought...
That i was right...
And that i did the right things...
That i was the mature one...
I thought i was the one pushing our relationship to gretaer heights...
Cos i had a vision...
That vision was about who i wanted you to be...
I forgot to appreciate who you were...
I really forgot...

So Im sorry...
Im sorry Allen...
And to those out there who thinks your relationship is somehow fucked up..
Just think again and again...

If he makes you happier than no one else every did before..
If you feel blessed when youre with him..
You may hate him when you quarrel...
he may seem like a stupid insensitive jerk.. (maybe he is)
But unless he's done criminal acts on you...
If he's a gentleman to you..
If he's just stupid cos he cant figure us girls out...
If he's not the romantic kind..
And he doesnt do big surprises for you...
And he doesnt know how to make you happy when you're mad at him.
And he's always saying "Im sorry" even when its not his fault.
When he tells you he doesnt wanna fight cos he loves you and he hates fighting with you.
And you think its just cos he's not bothered...
When you see him get so heartbroken after you mentioned about breaking up.
And he begs you to stay and he'll change even though he doesnt...
If he promise to be all you want him to be but he cant live up to that...
Because your expectations of him is just too high...
When he begs you for too many second chances to let him be the best for you...
When you tell him how disapointed you are with him..
And he makes you more promises just so you'll stick with him longer..
You think its stupid how many promises he makes and breaks.

Think again...
Are those promises really something even YOU can live up to?
If he asked you to change yourself...
Parts of yourself that you have always been since you remember...
Maybe there are stories behind the things everyone does.
Maybe there's a reason why he smokes so much.
Maybe there's a reason why he's so into something stupid ...
Like spending hard earned money on a laptop he doesnt need?
Maybe all those promises wont be so important..
If you lose him...
They're nothing... this promises?
Becomes less than nothing...
They become you enemies...

You may be young and all...
But when you screw up something so good?
Just because you're sick and tired of the same routine?
Just because you think you deserve someone better?
Just because he's not who you want him to be?
You live with that regret for a long time...
and you miss out on everything else,
when you're living down that regret...
You cant just BITE THE BULLET on this...
The bullet bites you..
And it bites deeper into you each day...

And nobody knows cos after awhile...
You stop calling upi friends to whine about how sad you are...
Because after awhile...
You realise your pain cannot always be the centre of attention in everyone's life.
You realise when you're crying os hard at night you wanna die..
That you just dun wanna let anyone hear your cries..
Cos its pathetic..
Its pathetic how long and hard this bullet has bitten you...
and you cant fight against it...
and everyone thinks you're crazy for trying so hard to be crazy fun and seem like you're enjoying life...
Everyone thinks you're of no cure...
They think you forget all your values and principles cos you're trying so hard to be happy..
Sometimes even YOU yourself think you're straying way too far...
But at night when you're home or alone...
You cry... you cry cos you dunno what the fuck you're doing...
And nobody knows what the fuck you're doing too...

The past year or so...
I have tried..
And many times i thought i was quite successful in being okay...
But its times like now...
I realise i cant get you out of my life...
No matter how much you dont wanna see or talk to me...
I cant get you out of my life...
May be nothing to you..
Or to anyone...
What we've been through...
But everyday...
I think about it...
and this world is equipped with everythings there is...
To remind me... EVERY FUCKING DAY...
of what we gone through...

P.S I love you...